We Need Realistic Conversations About the Costs of Raising Kids

How much does it really cost to raise kids these days? At a minimum, normal family budgets must account for the weekly grocery bill, clothing and shoes that get regularly destroyed or outgrown, and such miscellaneous needs as child care and schooling-related expenses, medical care, and (in my family) books. I’m not mentioning basics like rent or mortgage and transportation costs, which often increase for families with children. But it turns out that when it comes to the costs of raising kids, normal is relative.

Last month, the Wall Street Journal ran a piece on kids' sushi habits that are destroying family finances: 

'I see omakase customers as young as 6 years old,’ says David Seo, the chef and owner of Shumi, a sushi restaurant with two New Jersey locations. Seo said his restaurants are packed during the hours of 4 p.m. and 7 p.m. with families paying $95 a head to eat 15 sushi pieces. ''The parents say it’s a reward for finishing homework,’ Seo said.” 

Coming on the heels of a New York Times piece about the crisis of child care expenses, this was borderline comical. Among many other expenses, the earlier story profiled families paying for afternoon nannies (for transporting children to and from for $30,000-a-year after-school tutoring) and evening nannies (for putting children to bed). And then I saw this post on X: 

Morning nanny has been a game changer for us. We hired someone who comes over for two hours each morning. They empty the dishwasher, feed the pets, let the dog out, make the kid’s lunch, set up breakfast, and turn on the coffee maker. 

I had to do a double take for this last one. Was this a parody account? No. For the parent who posted it, this was simple reality.

To be clear, it is each family’s business how to spend money. If someone chooses to make expensive restaurant meals a regular habit, or spends the equivalent of my household income on child care, it is their prerogative. Get all the morning, afternoon, and evening nannies you can afford! 

And yet, there is also potential for harm from such public pronouncements. Put simply, the cumulative effect of these messages is to provide an unrealistic picture of the financial costs of raising kids. Perhaps those of us already in the throes of family life would not be quite so affected by such tales (in fact, I find them highly amusing), but I worry that young married couples who would like to start a family might read such nonsense and find yet another reason to defer childbearing.

We need to encourage young families who are just at the beginning stage of their child-rearing journey to budget better and focus on expenses that are key.

Indeed, we are repeatedly bombarded with the message that kids are expensive. They require larger cars, larger homes (because what kind of a parent would raise a child in a two-bedroom apartment?), all of the fancy paraphernalia (like the Snoo, a smart sleeper bassinet that will rock your child to sleep all night to the tune of $1,695 plus the annual subscription to keep those smart features working), and, of course, lots of expensive child care. And then there is the cost of schooling—first to get these kids into college, and then the cost of college itself. 

But is all of this expense necessary? 

At some level, I think it is obvious to anyone reading these stories that, in fact, you do not need to spend hundreds of dollars regularly (or ever) on sushi dinners for your elementary schoolers, nor do you need to delegate most of your parental responsibilities to nannies. And yet, years ago, my husband had a conversation with a D.C.-based couple who felt that despite a very high combined income, they could not afford a child. I’ve met multiple families over the years where the family size was limited by the parents’ declaration that prior to having a child, they must have the amount necessary for paying for that child’s entire future college tuition saved in the bank already. Clearly, we need to provide more realistic conversations for families about finances that matter! These conversations are just as necessary for ultra-high earners who have unrealistically high standards for what it takes to raise kids, as they are for the average and low-earning families, who feel more legitimately stretched—and for the young adults considering marriage and children one day.

Too many young families have not thought adequately about retirement, for instance—especially if one spouse stays home with the kids. Not being financially prepared for emergencies is also a legitimate concern for some. When my husband and I took a Dave Ramsey class offered through our church a few years ago, we learned that the average American household could not cover even a $1,000 out-of-pocket emergency. On a related note, many families live in extreme debt—ranging from credit card debts to college and car loans, medical debt and, of course, a mortgage.

So we need to encourage young families who are just at the beginning stage of their child-rearing journey to budget better and focus on expenses that are key. Some of this has to do with location—it is no coincidence that the most outrageous stories about the cost of raising kids have come out of New York City, an exceptionally expensive place to live. Moving to a more affordable area (and, ideally, closer to relatives) may be a good solution for couples eager to start a family—assuming, of course, that one or both spouses are able to find work at such a location. My husband and I found that our family’s life is significantly less stressful because we live in a relatively low-cost region of the country. Our home is on the smaller side and was highly affordable. We practically never eat out. We have also been very debt averse. And as I mentioned before, we have been grateful for the low-cost and free family entertainment that our small town generously provides to the community.

But there is another important dimension to consider here, beyond merely the financial angle of raising kids. I found myself reflecting, for instance, on our morning routine—which, of course, does not involve a nanny. Most mornings, my husband and our 10-year-old get up early, whereas the six-year-old and I sleep in. The guys sit on the couch downstairs, and each one quietly reads his Bible. Then my husband goes for a run and gets ready for the day. Often, he unloads the dishwasher. When I get up, I make coffee for me and breakfast for the kids—although sometimes they make their own. Our routine involves conversations—some one-on-one time that my husband spends with our son; breakfast-time conversations for some or all of us; a sense of togetherness as we start yet another day; and a genuine feeling of stewardship and responsibility for our home. We all live here, and so it is appropriate for the kids to sweep up the floor and clean up after a meal and before beginning the day’s learning. Some of the most meaningful and beautiful aspects of family life are free yet priceless. 

Nadya Williams is a homeschooling mother, Books Editor for Mere Orthodoxy, and the author of Cultural Christians in the Early Church, and Mothers, Children, and the Body Politic.

*Photo credit: Shutterstock