When Parents Struggle Too: Mindsets and Family Mental Health

I can’t tell you the exact moment my mental health began to decline, but it started sometime near the end of elementary school or the beginning of middle school. I came from a loving, financially stable family in Northwestern Oregon, so I felt guilty for feeling sad. I didn’t think the world hated me—I just thought I made life harder for others and maybe it would be better if I weren’t here. I battled these feelings and thoughts for years, self-harming and barely staying afloat, even considering taking my own life multiple times.

These thoughts aren’t unique to me. During my senior year, two students and a middle school teacher committed suicide. Between 2000 and 2023, the CDC reported a 37% rise in suicide rates, and Pew Research found 70% of teens see depression and anxiety as major issues among their peers. Since 2020, the mental health crisis has only worsened.

The Power of Mindsets

Mental health challenges not only affect individuals but entire families. My mother struggled with anxiety, which I saw manifest in her temper and strained relationships. Unfortunately, she allowed her anxiety to feed a victim mentality—the belief that her condition excused harmful behavior and couldn’t be changed. This mindset didn’t stem from the anxiety itself, but from her belief that she was powerless. This may lead to a belief that nothing that can be done about mental health and that a person’s struggles control their choices (i.e., angry outbursts). Sometimes, this mentality can accompany those with mental health struggles (i.e., anxiety disorder), where the individual believes that confronting their anxieties is worse than avoiding them. That belief impacted me deeply as a child.

My father, on the other hand, lacked patience and compassion toward my mother’s struggles. I’m not sure if it was compassion fatigue, low empathy, or a disbelief in mental health issues—but it left me feeling like I couldn’t go to him when I was struggling with my own mental health.

To be clear, both of my parents are wonderful people who have grown significantly. But their mindsets—victim and intolerant—didn’t help. They didn’t address the root problems or support healing. And children are highly sensitive to the beliefs and behaviors modeled by their parents.

When Struggles Become Identity

A parent with a victim mindset may excuse harmful behavior as an unavoidable result of mental illness. This signals hopelessness to children and teaches them the same fixed mindset. Research has found that fathers’ depression predicts both internal and external behavioral issues (e.g., emotional outbursts, trouble making friends, etc.) in children years later, mirroring data on moms’ mental health. This underscores the importance of seeking help and modeling resilience. Kids tend to mirror how their parents face (or avoid) challenges.

Parents should recognize their mental health struggles without identifying as those struggles. There’s a difference between “I struggle with depression,” and “I am a depressed person.” Seeking therapy, medication, or other healthy coping strategies not only helps the parent who is struggling with mental health issues, but the whole family.

Mental illness isn’t a life sentence.

The Dangers of an Intolerant Mindset

While a victim mindset limits self-growth, intolerance often comes from others. A UK study found mental health stigma was most common among socially conservative or religious men, who often saw mental health issues as weakness or dramatics. But ignoring or downplaying mental health concerns—especially in adolescents—can have dangerous consequences.

A 2022 study in the World Journal of Psychiatry showed that emotional neglect and emotional abuse are strongly linked to suicidal thoughts. Young people are more likely to reach out when they feel heard. 

Tips for Improving Family Mental Health

Awareness is the first step in healing. Whether you lean toward a victim or intolerant mindset, it is important to recognize it and seek change. If you struggle with anxiety or depression or other mental health issues, don’t let it define you. Seek help. Take care of yourself so you can better care for others. Mental illness isn’t a life sentence.

Here are some suggestions for shifting a fixed or unhelpful mindset:

1. Challenge Limiting Beliefs

• Recognize thoughts like "I'll always be like this," or "I can’t change."
• Ask: "Is this absolutely true?" or "What evidence do I have that things can never improve?"
• Remind yourself that mental health can improve with the right care.

2. Learn About Neuroplasticity

• The brain can change and adapt, even in adulthood.
• Therapy, mindfulness, and new habits can rewire thought patterns over time.

3. Seek New Perspectives

• Talk to people who have improved their mental health to see that change is possible.
• Find stories of resilience and recovery, especially from relatives or those in one’s own family history

4. Take Action, Despite Doubt

• Change often starts with action, even before belief catches up.
• Experiment with new habits and behaviors—you may surprise yourself.

5. Try Different Approaches

• If one treatment hasn’t worked, consider trying another (therapy, medication, lifestyle changes, support groups).
• Mental health care is not one-size-fits-all.

When Your Child Struggles

If your child is struggling with mental health issues, and you are struggling with empathy for your child, consider these suggestions:

1. Educate Yourself

• Learn about your child’s situation to better understand what they are going through.
• Research common symptoms, treatments, and coping strategies.

2. Be a Good Listener

• Offer a non-judgmental space where your child can share their feelings.
• Avoid giving unsolicited advice; sometimes, they just need someone to listen.

3. Encourage Professional Help for the Family

• Explore therapy, counseling, or psychiatric care if your child is not already receiving it.
• Do your homework to find resources, such as therapists or support groups, that are a good fit for your family.

4. Be Patient and Supportive

• Mental health struggles can take time to improve, and progress may not always be linear.
• Show love, reassurance, and encouragement without pressure.

5. Set Boundaries

• Supporting your child is important, but it is also important to not assume you can fix their problems. 
• Know your own limits and avoid enabling destructive behaviors.

The good news is that I didn’t stay in that dark place forever. With time, support, and intentional changes, I learned that my mental health was not fixed—it could improve. The same boy who once believed he was a burden now knows as an adult that healing is possible, and that families can grow stronger when they face struggles with honesty, compassion, and hope. Parents don’t have to be perfect, but they can choose to model resilience instead of resignation, and empathy instead of intolerance. That shift in mindset can change not only their own lives, but the lives of their children for generations.

Rustin Moon is graduating with his B.S. degree in Automotive Engineering Technology and a minor in Marriage & Family Studies from BYU-Idaho where he has also served on the leadership committee for the Child & Family Advocacy Society for the past 2 years. Timothy Rarick, PhD, is a professor and the program director of Marriage & Family Studies at BYU–Idaho. Dr. Rarick also serves on the board of various governmental and non-profit organizations. 

*Trigger Warning: This article discusses mental health struggles, including references to suicide and self-harm. If you or someone you love is struggling, please know you are not alone. In the U.S., you can dial or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline to connect with support right away.