Parenting With Purpose

I recently completed one of the most challenging physical feats of my life: a six-day trek in India, climbing 7,000 vertical feet to reach Rupin Pass at 15,300 feet. But, like parenthood, the accomplishment wasn't in reaching the summit—it was in the purpose behind it.

I was there on a Clear Vision Trek for my husband Dr. Jordan Kassalow's organization, VisionSpring, which he founded in 2005. Our mission was to bring vision care and eyeglasses to the most remote villages in the Himalayas, places literally at the end of the road. The trip was exhilarating, not because of any personal achievement, but because of our purpose-driven goal: improving people's lives. 

Our group included VisionSpring staff, a brave teacher and her students, the chairman of the board's wife, and friends and family. Many trekkers had little or no experience with such a physically and emotionally demanding journey. Yet they exposed themselves to intense cold, physical hardship, and the uncertainty of climbing an icy, snowy mountain even during the middle of the night in what turned out to be the most grueling 13-hour trekking day I have ever experienced. Our guides were amazed that we all completed the hike. My response? It was the purpose that urged everyone forward.

My husband examined a 90-year-old woman whose extreme prescription revealed she had never seen well her entire life. In New York, London, or Delhi, she would have received a simple pair of eyeglasses years ago. But here, her near-blindness had gone uncorrected for nine decades. When Jordan placed glasses on her face, she could see clearly for the first time in her life. She wept. Everyone around her wept.

There was the school-aged child so profoundly nearsighted that he couldn't see the teacher or learn his numbers and letters. The truck driver who couldn't see the road at night, risking his life and others' lives on treacherous mountain passes. And the local tailor who had lost his livelihood because his failing vision made it impossible to sew.

When I was younger, I would hike and climb mountains motivated by a desire to prove my physical prowess—to myself and to my husband—feeling triumphant in reaching the top but without any greater or deeper purpose. As a mature woman, I realize I could never have completed this adventure had I not had a purpose urging me forward.

This trip made me reflect deeply on my own work as a therapist treating parents who struggle with their children's mental health. So many parents have lost their purpose—they've lost a clear sense of what's driving them forward. In a way, parenting is more difficult because it is a lifelong climb, unlike this trek, which lasted only a week.

The purpose of deep and loving connection, of sacrificing time and personal interests for the greater good of raising healthy, happy, emotionally secure children—that is what gets parents through the difficulties.

The trip to India brought me many moments of joy: the beauty of the mountains, the connection to my husband, whom I love dearly, and feeling at one with nature. But it also brought discomfort—cold, hunger, sleeplessness, mountain sickness, nausea and vomiting, the aches and pains of sleeping on hard ground, and the adrenaline and fear of navigating icy cliffs.

Parenting is not that different. There are moments of intense pleasure: admiring the beauty of your children, relishing the deep connection you share, marveling at the family you've created. But there are, in equal parts, hardships—sleepless nights, pushing through unexpected limits, digging deep for patience, endless meals to prepare, and activities to coordinate. Yet the purpose of deep and loving connection, of sacrificing time and personal interests for the greater good of raising healthy, happy, emotionally secure children—that is what gets parents through the difficulties. If we cannot see the bigger picture or the greater purpose, then the immediate tasks at hand can seem impossible.

I am certain I would not have been able to complete the trek at 61 years old if I had not had a purpose and a deep emotional connection to my husband, urging me forward. On this same note, parenting cannot be an endless slog to nowhere, which it is for so many of my patients. There must be a greater purpose: loving sacrifice and the legacy of leaving this earth with children who are emotionally secure, interdependent, and resilient; children who can prioritize deep relational connections over academic or professional success and personal ambition.

To regain that sense of purpose, parents must return to the fundamentals of connection. This begins with slowing down and spending consistent, emotionally present time with our children, even when it feels inconvenient or unproductive. It means tuning out the cultural noise that tells us our worth is defined in productivity or achievement and instead remembering that meaningful work can also be achieved through the ordinary rituals of caregiving: listening, comforting, guiding, and simply being there. When parents realign their daily lives with these values, the larger purpose of raising emotionally secure children comes back into focus.

Parenting is not unlike climbing a mountain. It requires fortitude, commitment, and strength. However, the most important characteristic of parenting—one we rarely discuss—is purpose. The purpose of raising emotionally secure and resilient children should guide us forward like a beacon of light, helping us see the beauty that will help us cope with the pain and discomfort along the way.

Erica Komisar, LCSW, is a psychoanalyst and author of Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters and Chicken Little The Sky Isn't Falling: Raising Resilient Adolescents in the New Age of Anxiety.

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