What’s a Village For? A Response to Olga Khazan

Seven years ago, I was getting close to my due date with my youngest child, making plans—and back-up plans—for where my two older children could go when the time came. And then a friend from church, whose six kids were all grown, told me calmly one day that she was packing an overnight bag to keep in her car at all times—so that no matter when I went into labor, day or night, she would be ready to jump in her car and drive to my house to watch my kids. 

After my daughter was finally born (two weeks overdue in the middle of the night!), our church organized a meal train for the next two weeks, unasked. Another mom friend from church also come over one morning just to play with my preschooler, who was not adjusting well to the arrival of his sibling. In a nutshell, my village came through for my family when we needed it. 

I’ve heard abstract talk about what it means to have a village to raise children. But whenever I think of the reality I’ve experienced—the village into which my family is so organically integrated—the local church comes to mind. When we moved half-way across the country two and a half years ago, our priority was to find a good local church into which we could integrate ourselves. We knew that we needed the church for our spiritual health, first and foremost. But we also knew that a flourishing life at any stage requires being part of a vibrant village, and we knew we would find it at church. Others have found the same to be the case—as Andrew T. Walker has written about his own family’s long-distance move: “we live five-to-seven hours away from in-laws and grandparents. For us, church is not only an option, it’s a requirement. It orients us to our community and brings ballast to life’s uncertainties.” The kind of community that church provides yields important insights about what a village means—and what it’s for. 

All of this came to my mind when reading Olga Khazan’s recent piece for The Atlantic, “The Most Useless Piece of Parenting Advice: The Problem with Telling Moms ‘It takes a Village.’” Khazan explains why she is annoyed with people who advise parents to rely on their "village": 

Possibly the most frustrated I ever got during my pregnancy was when I read a tip in a baby-advice book that said something like, ‘Swap child care with one of your friends—it takes a village!’ At the time, I lived an hour from most of my friends, almost none of whom had kids. I didn’t have a village, but now I had another thing to feel bad about. 

Sure, as she points out, a village sounds great in theory, but what if you don't have one, especially in emergencies? Khazan shares increasingly depressing tales of village-less parents in her essay, including about a mom who stayed home alone for hours with newborn twins waiting for her husband to return from a work trip before going to the ER. She simply didn’t have anyone to call.

These are legitimate concerns: while 3 out of 10 American adults live an hour or less away from mom, many Americans do not live close to family or friends. Some by choice, due to families broken by divorce, for example. There is no doubt, as David Brooks has argued, that “We Need to Shore Up the Ecology Around the Family.” 

Then, there is the life of the professional class, which, after all, requires multiple moves—for education, promotions, new opportunities. In a 2022 study, Pew Research Center noted that while 55% of American adults live within an hour of some extended family, the distance from family grows with educational attainment—meaning, those with graduate degrees live further from family than those with just a BA, for instance. And even for those who do have relatives or friends nearby, chances are that they are all working, too, and perhaps not always available to help. And it’s impossible to swap child care with your childless friends.

Friendships—and communities that we deem our 'village'—are not, first and foremost, instrumental. Their usefulness for emergencies is a by-product of what they are, rather than their main or only purpose. 

While her insights are true, the picture Khazan paints only shows how myopic many Americans’ vision of “the village” has become. It is, in some respects, a problem of imagination. It is no coincidence that Khazan who wrote this piece is—like me—an immigrant from the country that systematically destroyed all possibility of friendships for people by encouraging friends to inform on each other for decades. There could be no functional “village” in the Soviet Union. In her new book, Motherland, journalist (and fellow immigrant) Julia Ioffe documents this through the stories of the struggles of Soviet women, especially mothers, who struggled without help as the state eroded all bonds between relatives and friends—and destroyed churches and synagogues. It is no exaggeration to say that the history of the Soviet Union is a history of destroying any possibility of a village—of any system for support—for most of its people. 

That said, as Khazan’s stories show, the isolated life is now prevalent in America as well. There are many moms especially who feel overwhelmed and unsupported. And yet, wholly absent from her piece is any mention of the community best equipped to serve as a family’s village—the local church. Also lacking is any concept of a village (whether church or another kind of community) that is formed from true relationships that are mutually serving. The problem is that those who have never experienced a functional village and have never seen it in action cannot even imagine what they are missing. Indeed, before becoming an involved member of a church and a mom, I certainly could not have told you either!

For us, church has become a beautiful village. It is a community of people dedicated to living life together and serving each other in our various phases of life. 

The key, I think, is to understand that a well-functioning village is not only for emergencies but primarily for living a joyful life in community with others. This applies to parents and singles alike. All the examples about the lack of a village—whether from Khazan or others—usually involve emergencies. But a village is not only for emergencies—just as a friend is not only for taking you to the doctor when you get sick, nor is a husband only for taking out the trash and hanging up pictures. Friendships—and communities that we deem our “village”—are not, first and foremost, instrumental. Their usefulness for emergencies is a by-product of what they are, rather than their main or only purpose. 

And that is why church has, for us, become a beautiful village. It is a community of people dedicated to living life together and serving each other in our various phases of life. But while I think church is the easiest place to find this kind of village, it is nevertheless possible to create such a village locally in other ways. This is exactly what another Atlantic writer, Stephanie Murray, has done with her epic “baby swap” project: after posting a note online, she found other local parents who were interested in pooling their respective children weekly at one family’s home, while the other parents took a break or had a date night. The result was friendships and a new community formed—and a “village” was born. 

Yes, family life is stressful, especially for parents with small children. And it really does take a “village” to live a flourishing life. But it is up to each of us to find our own village—and this will take some initiative and imagination—and the intentional forming of communities. In my case, I know that if some sort of emergency were to arise, I can rely on my church for help—just as others can rely on me. And in the meantime, we rejoice in the moments we spend together weekly in worship, coffee gatherings, dinners, playdates, and just enjoying life in our chosen village. 

Nadya Williams is a homeschooling mother, Books Editor for Mere Orthodoxy, and the author of Cultural Christians in the Early Church, and Mothers, Children, and the Body Politic.