Three Ways to Motivate a Middle School Boy to Do His Homework

Now that the holidays are behind us, we are entering the hardest part of the academic year—the winter months, when all seems a bit dark and dreary and nobody feels much like “doing school.” It follows, then, that this is the ideal time for homeschool and regular school parents to finally agree to bury the hatchet in the school wars. There is no need to argue about which kind of schooling is best (it varies), or which makes you the better parent (neither), or who is more privileged (please, make it stop!). Because, to paraphrase Conrad Richter, dogs may fight amongst themselves, but they should be one against the wolf—especially when the wolf is an unmotivated middle school boy.

I jest, of course. But getting our middle school boys to buckle down and face the responsibilities of life is not always a simple matter, whether they do their work at school or home. How can we help our middle schoolers take responsibility for their work when motivation does not come naturally? 

To that end, I asked several homeschooling mothers—who not only have to motivate their boys to do homework, but to do all their schoolwork—if they had any tips or techniques to share with other parents. Presuming your son is not struggling with something more serious (dyslexia, for example), we can offer three pieces of advice that may help with your son’s homework struggles: run him, feed him, and require him. 

Run Him

It is a truism among homeschoolers that any child who can’t settle down to work needs to be “run like a puppy,” as my friend Hannah says. This counts double for middle schoolers, who sometimes enter a bit of a physical slump after a more active middle childhood. Some boys this age will seem to practically vibrate with frustration, back-talk, and jumpiness, while others will become listless, sedentary, and stuck; both types reflect a body that wants to move, but either can’t or won’t. And so, the homeschooling parent’s first-line solution to a cranky, unmotivated boy is to send him outside to run laps. Even if he returns tired, he will also return more focused.

If your child is in “school school,” he may have even less opportunity for physical activity. Truthfully, even gym class and extracurriculars may not be enough to drain him: if our country’s agricultural history is any indication, your average teenaged boy has the energy not just for a one-hour lacrosse practice, but for driving a team of oxen and steering a plow for several hours straight (once he has built the skill and muscle for such labor). So if your listless or distracted son seems unwilling to attend to homework after getting home – even if he is willing to do some more attractive seated activity like playing a video game or arguing with his sister – have him fill the wood box, walk the dog, play catch, or even chop the veggies for dinner before doing his homework. Any manner of thing can work—one homeschooling friend sometimes sent her eldest son to jiu-jitsu twice a day at the height of his adolescence! 

The homeschooling parent’s first-line solution to a cranky, unmotivated boy is to send him outside to run laps.

You might even make it a rule that your son may take a break when he gets home from school, but only if he spends it doing X or Y physical activity—not zoning out or doing something else sedentary. If your boy must choose between homework and going for a run, or even just sitting outside while peeling carrots, whichever he chooses is going to be good for him.

Feed Him

Likewise, middle schoolers need far more food than you might imagine. Boys, in particular, often start middle school small but ravenous, and some widen out considerably before shooting up rapidly at about age 14. So when in doubt, put a sandwich in his hand. As my homeschooling friend Alaina says, “It's far more efficient to take a quick snack break than to try to push through the work with a hangry boy who is just getting more and more uncomfortable.” (Consider getting yourself a snack, too. Facilitating homework also goes better when you are not hungry.)

In fact, it’s worth harkening back to your son’s toddlerhood and thinking not just about his food intake, but about his physical needs more generally. A middle schooler’s growth rate is more akin to a toddler’s than a child’s, so it’s good to go through the same checklist you did when he was little: make sure not only that he is well-fed, but also that he is well-hydrated and well-slept and not too lonely or under- or over-stimulated. Take the phone out of his bedroom. Make him go outside. Give him a bedtime if you must—even though he’ll roll his eyes. 

Make sure that your middle-schooler is not only well-fed, but also well-hydrated and well-slept, and not too lonely or under- or over-stimulated.

This age is also a good time to teach your son the “HALT” acronym: before he follows his impulses, he should ask himself if he is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. As I tell my own teens, emotions are passing, but unmet needs are persistent.

Require Him

Children at this stage are also at risk of developing a level of peer- or self-orientation that can be counterproductive to their best interests. Having lots of healthy peer relationships is good, but the challenge is to help boys develop their individuality while still keeping their compasses pointed toward their families’ wisdom. A fellow 14-year-old does not usually make the best “True North.” 

Whether your child studies at home or at school, being part of his family should still be his priority, because this is the base from which he can emerge to function as an individual in a healthy manner. Psychologist Gordon Neufeld tells a story, for example, about resolving behavior difficulties with his teen by taking her on a two-week father-daughter camping trip, which started off terribly but ended with a level of reconnection that helped his teen regain control over her behavior and responsibilities. 

So maintaining secure attachment while also developing independence is crucial. But valuing relationship also means taking responsibility for one’s work and behavior in the family setting. This means that you, the parent, can set limits on your child’s pussyfooting about homework just as with any other aspect of his behavior. Once you’ve established that your son is otherwise well and  has what he needs to complete his assignments (e.g. he hasn’t secretly forgotten all his times tables), you can require him to sit down at the table and not get up again until the homework is done. Or if that’s too hard to supervise, you can set a timer—and if he’s not done by the time it rings, he can either continue his work voluntarily or face the consequences at school of not having completed his homework.

Parents can set limits on a child’s pussyfooting about homework just as with any other aspect of his or her behavior.

Try not to step in and save him. It’s hard, but he may benefit from knowing that his homework responsibilities are actually his responsibilities, and that if he does not fulfill them, the trouble will fall on him—and also that you really do think he is up to it. Generally speaking, it’s better that he learn responsibility through natural consequences in middle school than learn this lesson later in life from a college professor or even a boss. Sometimes, as one homeschooling mom I know says, “enough is enough.”

But you don’t have to be alone in enforcing this. You might band with other parents to set limits on social and text activities until homework is done, and your child’s teachers and coaches may also become allies in building your son’s good habits and character. As one middle school headmistress I know says, “Parents and teachers shouldn’t be problem-solving instead of the student, but parents and teachers can talk above the student to share context.” This means that when he doesn't do his homework, you can let the teacher know privately that your son will be coming to talk to the teacher about it, so that the teacher can be prepared. And if you can find another handy adult beyond you and your spouse who can take on your son in some sort of mentorship capacity, it may go a long way in convincing your boy that his parents’ wisdom is not weird but is held by many adults whom he values. 

So, while motivating middle schoolers may not be easy, it works better when we’re all in it together. And as parents—who love and value and rightly think the world of our bright, beautiful, developing children—we know that the hard work is 100% worth it.

Dixie Dillon Lane is an American historian and essayist living in Virginia. Her writing can be found at Hearth & Field, Current, and Front Porch Republic, as well as TheHollow.substack.com.

*Photo credit: Shutterstock