The Other Side of Marriage

Marriage is hard—not because the institution of marriage is broken, but because it's where we learn to be stronger, wiser, and more loving adults.  I'm a psychiatrist and have been working with couples for more than 20 years now. I often tell my clients, love is both something we fall into, and something we learn to do.

The falling in love part is very different than the learning to love part. Falling in love generally feels great—intensely alive, energetic, and happy. The physical basis of this is an abundance of neurotransmitter encouragement—adrenaline, dopamine and oxytocin. These chemicals in our brain feel good and encourage us to move closer, take the leap, commit, and schedule the wedding. 

We're full of hopes and dreams and the expectation that this person and this relationship will bring us love, comfort, joy, and security. We say I do, the triumphant music starts, and we march up the aisle together, beaming. 

At some point, though, we come to "the end of the honeymoon," a well-worn phrase referring to the point when we begin to experience the other side of marriage. We start to get all tangled up in misunderstandings. We discover seemingly irresolvable differences. We feel unloved and unloving. The security we counted on seems less than secure; the relationship has become, at times, confusing, difficult, painful. 

At this point we may, mistakenly, conclude that something is wrong with us, with our partner, or with the marriage itself. Perhaps our hopeful expectations are unrealistic; maybe we should resign ourselves to the particular brand of misery that is often life as a couple. As one man said to me in our first counseling session, "Either we made a terrible mistake or maybe we were just unrealistic. Afterall," he continued, "I don't see a lot of other couples having the relationship I want. Maybe we just need to settle for what’s realistic."

I often tell my clients, love is both something we fall into, and something we learn to do.

These conclusions are neither true nor helpful. As I told him and his wife: “You have not made a terrible mistake; neither of you is broken, and you definitely should not settle.”

Maybe, in fact, you should celebrate! This moment does not have to be the end of the honeymoon, but it is the beginning of the other side of marriage. The secret to a great relationship, and a lasting one, is understanding that your vision, your heart's desire, is what you are learning to do. To realize your dreams, your commitment to each other must include a commitment to learning together as a couple. 

Turning Marriage Problems Into Learning Opportunities

The difficulties of marriage offer both the opportunity and the imperative to develop abilities—patience, discipline, self-awareness, curiosity, generosity—that are essential to strong and lasting love. Our Western culture, maybe especially American culture, makes it hard for couples to experience difficulties this way. We overvalue uncomplicated romantic bliss, individuality, control, choice, and comfort—all things that an intimate, committed relationship is likely to disrupt. We undervalue the hard-earned growth and expanded capacities that we need to live and love well.

Consider, for example, the discomfort of differences—in preferences, feelings, opinions—the list goes on. Remember the terrible feeling you get upon discovering that you and your partner have different memories of an important event? That feeling is made up of normal tendencies: to ignore the subjectivity of memory and instead feel convinced that you're "right," combined with your need for people important to you to agree with your reality. The stage is set for feeling alarmed, then angry, then launching into an escalating argument.         

However, over time (importantly this kind of learning is iterative, not instant) we can learn how to open instead of close at these moments. We can learn how to make room for multiple realities and to explore with more curiosity and trust—life skills that will serve us well in all relationships.

Engaging with difficulties instead of pulling away or becoming aggressive is how you learn to turn marital conflict into real growth. Hard conversations offer you the chance to learn to speak well and listen well when it’s distressingly difficult. You develop the ability to stay aware, curious and open when your partner is angry. You learn to listen deeply—debating and defending as little as possible. In these moments, you figure out how to love when your partner's not being lovable, and you're not feeling loving. Thus, you become the partner you imagined you could be when you offered yourself to this other person. It's also how you give your partner the chance to be their best self. 

Building Teamwork 

A couple can be a powerful team for positive change and problem solving. Often, I hear couples arguing about who is to blame for an aspect of the relationship. Or one person is extremely angry at the other for a particular behavior, without realizing that this behavior exists in the context of interaction.

When we encounter the other side of love, we must find a way to be open to—and value—the difficulties. This requires expanding our initial experience of loving each other to include the uncomfortable discoveries.

The power to change what you do not like, in your partner or in the relationship, starts with your ability to entertain this hypothesis: This difficulty is the result of an interaction. This means that even when it seems like the difficulty is caused solely by your partner, you look beyond it. You question the “seemingness” of this reality and ask, “What is my participation in this problem? How can I participate I the solution?” 

Your interdependence and that extra sensitivity to each other that's both wonderful and, at times, uncomfortable, can be the source of insight and problem solving. Go searching for understanding together.  Your problems and their solutions are all co-creations.

Keep The Fire Burning

Ok, all this talk about the importance of learning is great, but what we really want is to get back the feeling of connection, pleasure, and delight in each other. We want to rekindle the flame. Will learning together help us get that "honeymoon" feeling back? Absolutely!

Part of how the fire goes out is that we stop being curious; we stop exploring. In the 'falling-in' phase, love is fueled by exploration and discovery—mostly of the things that bring us together, the things that we enjoy about each other. In the 'after-the-honeymoon' phase, exploration becomes more difficult as we encounter things about our beloved and about ourselves that are disturbing; for example, our own impatience, our partner's selfishness, confusion about how to connect, and the myriad mistakes that are part of life together. 

When we meet the other side of marriage, we tend to resist. We clutch at wanting to continue to feel only the good feelings. This creates a sort of strangle hold on love. The flame goes out, and it can get boring. When we encounter the other side of love, we must find a way to be open to, and value, the difficulties. This requires expanding our initial experience of loving each other to include the uncomfortable discoveries. We need to learn to love the whole person, not just all that is wonderful in our partner. There is adventure, excitement, and pleasure in this learning. Courage, curiosity, and teamwork can lead to new moments of triumph and discovery that rekindle the flame. For a large and lasting marriage, we must embrace the chance to learn to truly love. 

Kathryn Ford, M.D. is a psychiatrist, couples’ therapist, and author of The Aperture Effect: A Radically Simple Approach to Finding Joy and Connection in Your Relationship. She has taught at Stanford Continuing Studies, Stanford Medical School, and Santa Clara University, and publishes regularly on-line in Psychology Today.