Men Are in Trouble. Maybe Fatherhood and Bigger Families Are a Solution

I first began to suspect my parents were up to something atypical when they announced to our family that soon we would have another sibling, a sister. It was the early 1990s, and we already had four kids in our family—in a convenient boy-girl-boy-girl pattern to boot. I assumed that was it. 

Instead, my parents would ultimately go on to have four additional kids, bringing the total to eight. Over the years, we got a big 12-seater van. We added several more sets of bunk beds to our rooms. And I think we attracted more than a few wide-eyed—or, perhaps, side-eyed—glances as we paraded our massive clan in public. 

All of this was an outlier in the 1990s when we were all kids, but it looks even weirder now. Today, many middle-aged Millennials lament the burdens of having any kids at all. The so-called “child-free by choice” movement is ascendant. And for men in particular, social media influencers have turned many young guys inward, focusing them on things like bodybuilding and promiscuity in the quest to become “alphas.”

My parents made a very different choice relative to the people around them, and with Father’s Day approaching I wanted to understand my dad’s thinking. I’m the oldest in the family, and the gap between me and my youngest sibling is 20 years. That means, my dad spent more than four decades with at-home kids, actively parenting even as some of his own children became parents themselves. It’s a kind of alternate reality compared to what’s typically marketed in pop culture as a good life for a man. 

But when I asked my dad over lunch recently if he’d recommend his experience, he didn’t hesitate. 

“There’s a sense of purpose when you get married to someone and you love that person and you make a commitment to that person,” my dad, who I’m named after, said. “And you have children, and the commitment extends to them. It changes you. You’re doing something much bigger than yourself.”

That, I think, is the big-family thesis that men, most of all, need to hear. That’s not to say everyone needs to have eight kids. I only have three myself. But in the Bowling Alone era when masculinity is in crisis and men are grasping for change, the best change may not be bigger muscles or more Instagram followers. Perhaps the change men need is actually greater selflessness and purpose. 

And perhaps there is no upper limit to the amount of love a father can ultimately feel. 

“How much love do you have in your heart?” my dad asked, adding:

When you have one child, and you have this amazing amount of love, and then you have two children, do you cut that amount in half? Do you say, ‘I have the same amount, but just not as much for you?’ No, it doesn’t work that way. Love is expansive. The more you love, the more you can love, and the more you’re able to love.

My parents got married in the early 1980s, and I was born a couple years later. They were still college students at Brigham Young University at the time, and to support his new family, my dad played keyboard in a band that performed at local dances. As the story goes, he was on stage when my mom went into labor. 

My dad spent more than four decades with at-home kids, actively parenting even as some of his own children became parents themselves. It’s a kind of alternate reality compared to what’s marketed as a 'good life' for a man. 

Back then, the average number of children for a married American couple was just under two, according to U.S. Census Bureau data—a number my parents surpassed within just a few years. Pew data also shows American households—both then and in the years since—steadily shrinking, a few recent upticks notwithstanding. 

But curiously, despite ever-smaller households, the numbers also suggest that most parents are pretty satisfied with their decision to have kids. Pew’s 2023 survey on parenting, for example, indicated that overwhelming majorities of people found their experience as parents both rewarding and enjoyable. Moreover, 87% of the survey respondents indicated that being a parent was either the most important aspect of who they are, or one of the most important aspects. 

To my dad’s point, a study published just last month also found that parenthood increases individuals’ sense of meaning in life. And men in particular appear to benefit from the transition to parent life. For example, researchers in 2019 found that men experience an uptick in well-being from fatherhood, deriving happiness from activities such as caregiving and interacting with their kids. 

Listening to my dad, it was easy to understand why fathers might feel this way. He caveated his point by noting that there were numerous big-family challenges we faced over the years. We didn’t have a big house, so everyone shared a room. And, of course, in a big family there’s a risk that people get overlooked or neglected. In our specific case, without a doubt the biggest challenge we all faced together was that my mom died in 2002, when I was a young man and most of my siblings were still children living at home. A big family is not an insurance policy against sorrow. 

But over time it also became apparent that the big family was working. For many years, we gathered every Sunday for a big group dinner. Those dinners are less frequent these days, but it’s still rare that a week goes by without some get-together. Last week, it was my daughter’s birthday. Next week, it’s my niece's. A week after that, the boys have a campout. My dad specifically mentioned attending my wife’s recent graduation for her master’s degree, where my three kids ran to meet him in the back of the auditorium. It’s all these little moments, he said, when you experience the payoff. And of course, with more people in your family, those little moments become more frequent.

“One of the things I’m most grateful for is that all of your social circles seem to revolve around each other,” he added. “It seems like everybody wants to be together.” 

Love is expansive," my dad told me. "The more you love, the more you can love, and the more you’re able to love.

So how did my dad help cultivate an environment where that might be possible? Why does everyone want to be together—even though me and my siblings were raised in a conservative religious home, in adulthood, we diverge widely on issues of politics and faith? 

“Our lifespan is only a small part of [eternity],” my dad suggested when I asked why the family works. “We can look at it with some kind of eternal perspective, so at some point we’re going to see more clearly than we do now. If you can have that perspective, then you can live together. It’s all going to work out.”

But what does it mean for something to “work out”? 

Recent years have seen intense debate about the role of women in society. From tradwive social media influencers to divorce memoirs, to books on fertility, such as Catherine Pakaluk’s Hannah’s Children, there’s an ongoing discussion about motherhood and what constitutes a good life for women. 

Men, too, are the subject of significant attention right now. Democrats, for example, are currently embarking on an effort to win back young men, with some suggesting they need to find a “Joe Rogan of the left.” Meanwhile, major publications are fixated on the so-called “manosphere” of self-appointed masculinity experts. But in the midst of all of this discourse, there’s actually very little discussion of fatherhood itself—and even less on the idea that men might find greater purpose as their families sprawl in numbers. 

I will say again that a big family is not a one-size-fits-all experience. But when I look at my dad’s life as the head of a large number of kids, I see an alternate reality that bears little resemblance to popular ideas about what it means to be a successful man. It’s a reality focused not on self-improvement or status or fame, but on finding joy that grows out of selflessness. And perhaps that could be one antidote to what ails so many men today. 

“You’re ministering,” my dad ultimately concluded about having kids. "You’re putting your own personal needs to the side in favor of helping someone else. That changes you. And the thing I hope and pray for all of our kids is that each one has the opportunity to have children. Because when you do, you see the world differently...It opens you up, and you’re no longer looking inward.”

Jim Dalrymple II is a journalist and author of the Nuclear Meltdown newsletter about families. He also covers housing for Inman and has previously worked at BuzzFeed News and the Salt Lake Tribune.