Father-Child Attachment: Establishing a Secure Connection

One of the most important developmental tasks during infancy and toddlerhood is the formation of the parent–child attachment relationship. Attachment is the long-term process of forming an intense and enduring relationship with an infant to protect them and meet their needs. The attachment relationship between parents and children grows gradually during infancy and toddlerhood.

Infants cry to elicit a response from parents when they are hungry, tired, experience physical discomfort, or when they need to be comforted and soothed. Crying encourages parents to approach, pick up, soothe, stay near, and feed the baby or otherwise meet their needs. During the first 2 months after they are born, babies focus on their internal functions and seek biological equilibrium to keep warm, nourished, rested, and regulate their digestive system. They may also recognize parents through familiarity with their voice or smell. At around age 2 months, babies come to prefer their parents or other regular caregivers. Over time, babies learn to trust and expect that their parents can be counted on to respond quickly to their needs. At around age 7 months, babies have strong preferences to interact with parents who have become their attachment figures who are consistently responsive to their needs. Attachment figures provide a sense of security to the child when he or she is fearful, frustrated, or startled. The sense of security provided by the attachment figure can last throughout the child’s life.

Almost all young children develop attachments to parents or other caregivers. Developmental psychologists indicate that the quality of the attachment relationship matters most. Children whose parents respond consistently to their needs in a warm and nonhostile manner are more likely to develop a secure attachment to their parent. Although these children can become very distressed when separated from the parent, they are quickly comforted by the parent when they are reunited. Children who cannot rely on parents to consistently respond to their needs or whose parents respond in a hostile manner may develop an insecure attachment to the parent. These children protest when separated from the parent but then respond ambivalently or angrily when reunited with the parent.

Fathers get a later start in forming a relationship with their baby and take a different path towards building their attachment relationship.

A simple model of the attachment process as children move from infants to toddlers has been developed by the Circle of Security parenting program. Glen has used this program for the past 10 years in his work with incarcerated fathers. The simple circle model of children moving out to explore from a secure base and coming back to a safe haven for comfort or help in calming strong emotions describes the basic dynamics of attachment. Fathers in his class report that this helps them to remember to pay attention to their children’s cues and also to reflect on their own emotions as they interact with their children.

Father–Mother Differences

Attachment research traditionally focused on mothers, with fathers as secondary attachment figures. Researchers began to take a closer look at fathers in the 1970s and established that fathers were also primary attachment figures and were sensitive to infant cues. One obvious difference between mothers and fathers related to attachment is that mothers carry the unborn child for 9 months during the pregnancy. Mothers form a unique relationship with the unborn child that is evident after birth. One should not underestimate the significance of this early relationship between mothers and children. Mothers tend to be more protective of newborns because of the physical connection throughout the months of pregnancy. They are often the first to reach for the crying baby and the first to hear the baby awaken during the night. Mother–newborn relationships also develop quickly when mothers breastfeed their infants, which enables them to form a unique, intimate bond with their newborn. These early experiences help us understand why fathers may be less perceptive or sensitive than mothers. They also explain why some fathers feel mothers are better able to calm the baby. In addition, infants often prefer their mothers to comfort them when they are distressed. Fathers get a later start in forming a relationship with their baby and take a different path towards building their attachment relationship.

Sensitivity and Synchrony

The attachment research with fathers has examined two different core concepts—sensitivity and synchrony. Sensitivity and responsiveness to infant cues are central to secure attachment to both mothers and fathers. However, the link for fathers is not as strong and there have been various explanations for these differences. Alice Rossi suggested that fathers are less sensitive to cues than mothers because mothers are usually the primary caregiver. Daniel Paquette and Marc Bigras have suggested that the measures of sensitivity are based on mother–infant interactions and that measuring fathers’ more playful style would be a better way to assess fathers’ sensitivity. This research suggests two possible implications: first, fathers might benefit from trying to be more sensitive and responsive to their babies while caring for them. Second, researchers could study fathers’ pathways to secure attachment by measuring their playful interactions with their infants and their encouragement of exploration.

The 'activation relationship' describes the emotional bond between fathers and children that enables the child to feel safe to take both physical and social risks and explore their environment.

Fathers like to engage in “rough and tumble” play with children during late infancy and toddlerhood. Rough and tumble play refers to behaviors that appear aggressive (e.g., chasing or wrestling) but are performed in a playful, nonaggressive manner. This type of play is enjoyable to infants and toddlers but can also become overwhelming if the child is over-stimulated. Fathers provide security to the child when they stop the play and help the child to calm down and set clear limits.

Attachment researchers have suggested that it does not take physical care (such as feeding or putting to bed) to establish an attachment relationship with the father; rather, attachment relationships can develop through regular and tender play between the infant and father. The term “activation relationship” describes the emotional bond between fathers and children that enables the child to feel safe to take both physical and social risks and explore their environment. The activation relationship theory, by taking into account the roles played by fathers, can help us to understand infant development. But fathers should be aware that rough and tumble play is of higher quality when it is warm, moderately controlling, sensitive, physically engaging, and playful. When fathers interact with sensitivity and warmth, they provide a secure base for exploration and encourage children to go out into the world and then come back to share with fathers. We caution, however, that fathers should not only play with their infants and toddlers, but should also give sensitive physical care to their young children.

In addition to the concept of sensitivity, the idea of synchrony focuses on the interaction styles of parents. The metaphor of Dancing with Babies helps parents understand synchrony and the different “dances” that fathers and mothers may do with their babies. Fathers in general are more tactile, physical, and arousing in their play with infants, while mothers are more verbal, didactic, and object-oriented. Fathers have a more playful, jazzy style and more jagged rhythm, which both fathers and babies enjoy. This pattern seems to persist even for fathers who are the primary caregivers.

Children acquire a greater sense of mastery during play when fathers are supportive. They help children to master playing with toys or objects that may frustrate them because they are difficult to manipulate. Karin Grossman and Klaus Grossman labeled these attachment-related behaviors as “secure exploration.” Supportive fathers help children to explore their environment and make new discoveries about how the world works.

To summarize major insights into fathers and the attachment process:

1. Fathers start out at a different place than mothers in creating an attachment relationship with their babies. They can begin to form a connection during the prenatal months as they observe their partners and begin to visualize their baby, especially after viewing a sonogram image. They can also begin to connect through talking, singing, or reading to their babies in utero. This can help build a connection that is different from mom’s experience.
2. Sensitivity to infant cues around needs is important for both fathers and mothers. Mothers appear to have an easier time picking up these cues. Fathers learn this skill with practice.
3. Fathers’ pathway to connecting with their young children may center around their active style of play, which is a way that fathers interact, connect, and influence their children’s development.

The important point is that fathers and their babies and toddlers find many ways to connect and form secure attachment relationships.

Editor’s Note: This essay is excerpted with permission from the authors’ recent book, Fathers and Children Together: A Guide to Developing a Parenting Identity and Supporting Your Child (Routledge, 2024). Readers interested in ordering the book from the publisher can receive a 20% discount with this code: 25EFLY2.

Jay Fagan is Professor Emeritus in the School of Social Work at Temple University, Philadelphia, PA, and former Co-director of the Fatherhood Research and Practice Network. He was the founding editor of the journal Fathering. Glen Palm is a Professor Emeritus of Child and Family Studies at St. Cloud State University, St. Cloud, MN, where he taught Child Development, Family Studies, and Parent Education. He has practiced parent education with fathers in a variety of settings (education, health care and corrections) for more than 40 years.