5 Habits to Keep You Out of Divorce Court

Our law office receives hundreds of divorce inquiries each year. Some of the cases are wild, but most follow similar patterns that highlight the primary divorce risk factors that many couples face. Certain behaviors dramatically reduce the risk of divorce. Conversely, too many people make predictable mistakes that end up destroying their marriages. 

In my experience, the following five habits reduce the risk of ever needing a divorce lawyer. The tricky part is that each of these habits run against our instincts. Fortunately, these habits are easy for most people to adopt. 

Habit 1—Share Your Money

Minutes into a divorce consultation, financial issues often surface. Clients frequently emphasize “She’s not on the deed,” and “I make more than him.” When clients start talking about “my money” and remind us “he’s not on that account,” we know it’s all about the money. 

I have been on the front end of many divorce inquiries over the years, and I’ve talked to many people plunging into separation. This has given me a first-hand view of the common marriage problems that lead many couples to the breaking point. One general observation is that people seeking divorce often don’t share their money. That is not to say all people with separate bank accounts end up divorced. What is obvious, however, is that when people fail to integrate their financial lives, their marriage suffers in other ways as well. According to an Indiana University study on financial arrangements and relationship quality, “individualistic arrangements appeared to undermine women’s relationship satisfaction and reduce feelings of intimacy, sexual compatibility, and satisfaction with conflict resolution.”

If a couple has limited resources and both work, the spouse making a little more money feels justified in spending a little more on himself or herself. If one spouse is the breadwinner, then there is a tendency for the breadwinner to control the other spouse through money. This is a sign of an unhealthy dynamic and a common reason why someone might feel unhappy in a marriage. Other problems also emerge. Unilateral investments and spending can cause issues. In short, divided money causes conflict, whereas shared accounts “increase feelings of financial togetherness – making purchases and financial goals feel shared,” as a University of Colorado-Boulder study found. Shared money fosters communication and trust, imbuing a sense of mutual dependency in the relationship as a whole, not only in finances.

Habit 2—Prioritize Your Marriage With Quality Time 

"She wants to change who I am,” a man sitting at a bar near me kept repeating to his buddy. He was obviously married, probably not long, and clearly having trouble understanding marriage. I've heard similar refrains over the years from my clients: "He's so controlling," or "She just wants me to be with her all the time," and "I deserve to be happy." We also hear: "He never stands up for me," and increasingly, "she's always on her phone." 

“Narcissist” is the term of the decade in divorce. Everyone, it seems, is married to a narcissist. It’s hard to know if narcissistic tendencies are on the rise, or if more people are applying the term. This label is often used to explain complex emotional dynamics that make people ask, for example, ‘why do women stay in abusive relationships, even when the abuse is emotional, not physical'? One thing is for sure: the term narcissist is invoked in most divorces. What this means is that most divorcing couples believe their spouse is selfish. 

We are all self-interested and instinctively selfish. Married people should work to put their spouses and their marriage before themselves. It is challenging to prioritize marriage over kids, work, hobbies, family, friends, and happiness. However, it can be done, and happy couples find a way to do it. 

Regular date nights are an easy way to stay connected. For example, a 2023 study from the National Marriage Project at UVA found that married couples who have at least a monthly date night are almost twice as likely to be “very happy” in their marriage compared to those married couples without regular date nights. Additionally, husbands and wives who set aside weekly “couple time” have a 25% lower probability of divorce than couples who do not, according to the report. Intentionally ‘dating your spouse’ is not just a romantic idea but a statistically proven strategy for strengthening a relationship. 

Bad marriages mostly share common behaviors that can be avoided by practicing five habits. 

The research is clear: Quality moments with one’s spouse, such as date nights, walks together, weekend trips, or simply enjoying a cup of coffee before the kids wake up, will pay dividends long into the future once they are layered into married life. Scheduling this time together is a practical habit to build into a marriage. 

Habit 3: Ditch Drugs, Alcohol, and Unnecessary Medication 

“He is a totally different man than he was the first 12 years of our marriage.” As one client explained further, “he flies off the handle, works all the time, and our romantic life is dead.” This all too frequent refrain often indicates substance abuse by a spouse, specifically in this instance, Adderall and testosterone treatments.

When someone has a drug or alcohol problem, the marriage suffers. For example, a study of 52 divorced individuals found that substance abuse was one of the most common “final straws.” The challenge for most people is knowing how to define a “problem.” Without question, substance abuse exacerbates marital problems. Most people do not acknowledge a substance abuse problem because their substance of choice is legal, or because they think it’s being used in moderation. When life becomes challenging, some people “medicate” their problems away without realizing the unintended consequences.

If there was one thing all rocky marriages should do, it’s this: Stop drinking and using any type of unnecessary drug/medication. All medications have side effects. Sleeplessness, depression, aggressiveness, and physical health problems are some of the many unintended effects caused by legal and illegal substances. Unless it is necessary for your survival, clean it out of your system and keep it out of your marriage. 

Habit 4—Practice Phone Transparency to Build Digital Trust

These days, smartphones play an enormous role in divorce cases. Not only do they contain evidence, but they are often the root cause of problems. One spouse will film the other, which infuriates the other partner. The rise of porn, easily accessible via smartphones, has become a particularly common source of conflict and betrayal involving phones. We see smashed phones, “sexting” with paramours, location settings, texts with physical threats of violence, and disturbing search histories. 

When a spouse is secretive about what’s on his or her phone, it’s an indication that there is something the spouse is hiding. Even occasionally looking at inappropriate content or flirtatious texting will lead to destructive habits. People have high expectations of privacy on their phones. For this reason, people are controlling over their devices. However, research shows that if a couple has an understanding of disclosure, intrusive behavior decreases and trust increases. After all, trust is the crux of intimacy; without it, relationships crumble. The slow erosion of trust is a common reason many people find themselves unhappy in marriage, often before they can pinpoint the exact cause. When a spouse has an expectation that his or her phone is open for the other to see, then flirty texts or viewing inappropriate content or secretive shopping sprees are less likely.

Habit 5—Grow Together, Not Apart

Some couples grow apart through the years, which underscores the importance of a concerted effort to stay synchronized on major life issues. Achieving unity can be achieved through shared activities.

Below are a few ideas for staying connected: 

• Read the same books: Mitigate growing apart by staying aligned on major life issues like health, religion, education, parenting, and marriage. 
• Regular dates: Consistent one-on-one time strengthens marital bonds. 
• Exercise together: Yoga, walks, running, tennis, or any other activity can bring couples together.
• Attend religious ceremonies together. Research shows that regular church attendance is linked to stronger marriages.

If a couple reads the same books, goes on regular dates, exercises together, and attends weekly religious services, it becomes very difficult to grow apart. Additionally, couples that focus on what unites them, instead of what divides them, are better at adapting to one another's needs through the years. Everyone changes, so the nature of a marriage will, too. The trick seems to be making an effort to grow together. 

These five habits can counteract problems divorcing couples report to their lawyers. Many marital problems are compounded because one issue leads to others. For example, a spouse with a drinking problem (Habit 3) will also neglect his marital duties (Habit 2 and 5). His spouse might retaliate by hiding her spending issues (Habit 1) and protecting her phone (Habit 4). 

Lawyers see people at their worst. Clients come to us because something bad has happened, and they need our help. Over time, certain patterns emerge. These patterns are often the culmination of years of unresolved marriage problems. In the case of divorce, while each situation is different, bad marriages mostly share common behaviors that can be avoided by practicing the five habits discussed here. 

John Henderson serves as managing partner of Henderson & Henderson law firm in South Carolina, where he works in civil litigation, family law, estate planning, and criminal divisions.