Standers Bear Witness to the Permanence of Marriage

Why remain faithful to someone who no longer wants to be married to you? It’s a question every “stander” has probably been asked. And it’s a fair one, especially since keeping one’s marriage vows while enduring the pain of spousal abandonment can be soul-crushing, along with the cultural backlash. 

In late October, however, dozens of standers—men and women seeking to remain faithful to their vows despite separation or divorce—gathered in Atlanta, Georgia, for a three-day healing retreat, only the second of its kind. Some came from as far away as California to live out a key teaching of Catholic doctrine on the sacrament of marriage. Speakers included priests, canon lawyers, counselors, and Catholic authors. In-between sessions, men and women attended mass and met for community meals. After the retreat, Bishop John-Nhần Trần offered a healing mass for separated and divorced individuals in the Atlanta area. Sponsored by the Archdiocese of Atlanta and Catholics for Marriage Restoration, the retreat began on the feast day of Pope John Paul II, who was known for his teachings on marriage and family. 

Marriage and the Bible

“Created in the image and likeness of God, man cannot fully ‘find himself’ except through the sincere gift of self,” Pope John Paul II wrote in his famous Letters to Families. Adam was alone, but after God created Eve, “finally Adam made sense to himself,” Patrick Metts told the men and women who attended the retreat. “That’s what we were created for, to give ourselves in love and to receive love.” Metts, who served as emcee, is a counselor and the Archdiocese’s Associate Director of the Office of Evangelization & Discipleship.  

But God’s plan didn’t stop with creation. “We can see throughout the scripture the marital imagery,” Metts explained, with God’s plan for the Church phrased in the language of bride and bridegroom. 

Metts studied at the John Paul II Institute, but standing is also deeply personal for him. “My father-in-law was a stander before I knew standers existed,” he said, “and was a beautiful testimony to me of fidelity.” His father-in-law stood for 40 years.

To stand is to deny one’s self and daily take up my cross, living the vows I made at the altar, no matter what my husband does.

Renewing Their Vows—Alone

During the retreat, approximately 20 people renewed their wedding vows alone. David Schoenberger, a father of two from Virginia whose wife divorced him after more than two decades of marriage, was among them.

“It came naturally,” he explained, when I asked why he did it. His decision reminded him of Peter’s reply to Jesus when asked whether he would leave after hearing the difficult teaching on the Eucharist: “Master to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” 

Catherine Anderson, of Atlanta, renewed her vows for the second time. The first took place last year in front of her children on her 40th wedding anniversary. “To stand is to deny one’s self and daily take up my cross, living the vows I made at the altar, no matter what my husband does,” she told me. 

As Fr. Nathanael Block, Judicial Vicar for the Diocese of Gallup, explained: “God is faithful even when we’re not.” Standers mirror that devotion. In the Old Testament, the Jewish people turned toward idols; in the New Testament, Jesus’ disciples betrayed him. Yet God always remains true, his own wounds of abandonment glorified after the resurrection.

Georgia priest Fr. Tim Hepburn, who presided over the vow renewal ceremony, called the event “epic.” Until the retreat, he hadn’t realized some of the horrors endured by standers in family court when they dared speak up for the truth. The retreat was a reciprocal learning experience for both attendees and the priests that led the event.

Standers Are Like 'Elite Athletes'

The emotional toll of enduring marital betrayal can be acute, even without the added stress of standing. One study likened the effect of spousal abandonment to the excruciating attachment injuries suffered by infants separated from their mothers. Another study found that women impacted by spousal infidelity were six times more likely to suffer depression and anxiety. Divorced men are more prone to suicide.

But going against the culture and denying self is what disciples do, Dr. Christine Bacon told the crowd. “That’s God’s formula.” Dr. Bacon, who leads an international group of standers, compared standing to the rigors of competing in an iron man competition which requires not only physical strength, but immense self-discipline, resilience, persistence, adaptability, commitment, and more.

She believes most of her stander clients will reconcile. Impossible Marriages Redeemed recounts the stories of 50 couples who reunited. But ask any stander—they know stories of reconciled couples, too.

Still, sometimes reconciliation doesn’t happen. My husband is married a third time. When I let go of attachment to my yearnings, God’s plan for me unfolded. Along with it came healing and a new career advocating for divorce reform. And I found my way to the Catholic Church. 

Barring reconciliation, suffering also serves a deeper purpose—suffering for the faith and being a witness for Christ, said John Clark, author of God’s Wounds—The Remarkable Truth of Those Who Bore the Signs of Christ’s Passion.

 “Standers bear a heart wound,” Clark said. “Taken on because they love Jesus.” He added that the witness of standers has helped him value his own marriage more.

Several priests reiterated that forgiveness was essential both for healing and reconciliation. “Resentment feels terrible. It festers. It’s like cancer,” said Fr. Arturo Merriman, who was ordained in 2024. “John Paul II teaches us to bring those wounds to the altar,” he counseled during the retreat’s opening mass.

Standers' commitment to their vows is a testimony to the beauty and permanence of marriage that is much needed in our society today.

During a Q&A, he acknowledged that spousal abandonment is nevertheless a sin. Some of the men and women were in tears. Standers don’t need accolades, but they do need to be seen and heard. For years, many have felt abandoned by the church, especially given what some Catholics view as an annulment crisis in the number of annulments granted by the U.S. church. At the retreat, however, priests not only acknowledged their pain, but called the standers martyrs.

“[Standing] is a powerful witness in a world that treats marriage and relationship as disposable,” Fr. Michael Onyekuru reiterated. Originally from Nigeria, Fr. Onyekuru is Judicial Vicar of the Metropolitan Tribunal of the Archdiocese of Atlanta and presides over annulment petitions. 

Sarah Curtis, who traveled from Charleston, SC, told me, “It’s so encouraging to see the support of clergy at this retreat, but especially so many young priests. This gives me a renewed hope in the church and the spreading of truth.”

What’s next? It’s hoped other dioceses will use the retreat as a model and host their own. Ana Flamenco, who has been standing for 13 years, also hopes priests will speak about these issues from the pulpit, exhorting spouses to remain faithful and reminding them that marriage is a lifelong covenant. Children of divorce also need retreats, she said.

After the retreat, Atlanta Archbishop Gregory Hartmayer offered these encouraging words: 

It is particularly important to support those who, in the face of immense personal trial and heartbreak, are making the valiant, often-hidden effort to remain faithful to their original, sacred wedding vows. This retreat is a small way for the Church to embrace them and offer spiritual nourishment.  

Their spouses may have abandoned them, but the church hasn’t abandoned these men and women. And their commitment to their vows is a testimony to the beauty and permanence of marriage that is much needed in our society today. 

Beverly Willett is a lawyer, Co-founder of the Coalition for Divorce Reform, and author of Disassembly Required: A Memoir of Midlife Resurrection. Her novel-in-progress is entitled Nobody’s Fault.