Report Challenges the Prevailing Cultural Narrative on Marriage and Motherhood

In a cultural landscape often inundated with narratives portraying marriage and parenthood as restrictive burdens, a groundbreaking report from The Institute for Family Studies and the Wheatley Institute presents a compelling counter-narrative: married women, surprisingly, report significantly higher levels of happiness than their unmarried counterparts, regardless of whether they have children. This finding directly challenges the prevailing societal view that sees commitment and family formation as harmful to personal fulfillment.

The data is striking: nearly twice as many married mothers describe themselves as "very happy" compared to unmarried women without children. More specifically, 47% of married mothers and 43% of married childless women consistently report enjoying their lives most or all of the time. In stark contrast, only 40% of unmarried mothers and a mere 34% of unmarried childless women share this positive outlook. These statistics necessitate a critical reevaluation of contemporary relationship models and the broader cultural discourse on happiness, autonomy, and connection.

This notable gap between societal narratives and empirical evidence prompts an examination of its underlying causes. I see three plausible explanations for the shift from the desire for security, permanence, and connection in intimate relationships toward “aloneness.” 

The first is the crisis in attachment. According to a 2023 meta-analysis, 48.4% of children show insecure attachment to their parents. Attachment issues, rooted in early childhood experiences, often manifest as significant struggles in forming healthy emotional bonds. These unresolved patterns can subtly influence partner choices, with individuals unconsciously seeking relationships that, while familiar, reinforce dysfunctional attachment styles. In a society that emphasizes self-reliance and personal achievement, the idea of forming deep, interdependent connections can seem inherently counterintuitive. For those with severe attachment disorders, vulnerability may feel harmful, prompting retreat into emotional shells—a desperate effort to avoid potential pain associated with deep emotional intimacy.

Secondly, we’ve curated a cultural belief in male incompetence. Throughout media, we see the trope of the “useless dad,” from casual conversation to the media. This pervasive portrayal, often coupled with a dismissive attitude towards male contributions in domestic and emotional spheres, subtly erodes trust in men as reliable partners. For young women, this narrative can create a subconscious hesitancy to invest deeply in relationships, as they are taught to expect male partners to be a burden or an obstacle rather than a supportive force. They may internalize the idea that independence is paramount, as relying on a man will inevitably lead to disappointment. Simultaneously, young boys are growing up in this same cultural climate, where their burgeoning masculinity is often depicted as inherently problematic or inadequate.

Finally, we have high divorce rates. Though divorce rates are in decline, 40% of marriages are still at risk. In a society of celebrities flaunting marriages tdon'ton’t last three months or opting for conscious uncoupling years in, marriage has become increasingly about the spectacle of the event and less about the solemn vows. Seeing the flippancy with which we regard getting married and how easily we disregard it, of course, the next generation, following our lead, may decide that it is in their best interest to avoid relationships altogether or stay in surface-level relationships where there’s sex and companionship with none of the commitment, such as what the Gen-Zs have dubbed “situationships”.

In all these scenarios, children are taught that depending on another person is too risky, often associated with pain and disappointment, despite research to the contrary. Marriage and intimacy involve vulnerability, yet many fear vulnerability and view interdependence and lasting attachment as too significant a risk.

Increased well-being [for married mothers] may stem from the promise of shared experiences, mutual support, and stability that committed partnerships provide. It could also be as simple and profound as the increased likelihood of daily physical affection—such as cuddles and kisses—that significantly boosts emotional health.

Despite these cultural narratives that subtly (or overtly) diminish the value of relationships, data consistently show that marriage provides a strong foundation in which many women find greater joy and fulfillment. This increased well-being may stem from the promise of shared experiences, mutual support, and stability that committed partnerships provide. It could also be as simple and profound as the increased likelihood of daily physical affection—such as cuddles and kisses—that significantly boosts emotional health. Regardless of the specific reasons, these findings compel society to reevaluate and prioritize the importance of genuine connection and authentic community.

As society faces modern complexities, the challenge is balancing the innate human desire for independence with the equally fundamental need for deep, meaningful relationships. Acknowledging and addressing the fears and defense mechanisms that hinder relationship-building is crucial. By bravely confronting internal barriers, society can foster an environment that values both individual fulfillment and collective well-being. Genuine happiness often thrives—not in isolation, but within supportive and committed partnerships. Reimagining how we value and nurture authentic human connections has the potential to redefine what it truly means to live a joyful and meaningful life.

Erica Komisar, LCSW, is a psychoanalyst and author of Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters and Chicken Little The Sky Isn’t Falling: Raising Resilient Adolescents in the New Age of Anxiety.

Editor’s Note: This article appeared first on the author’s Substack. It is reprinted with permission here.