All Homes Need Five Layers of Digital Protection

I just caught my 11-year-old at 2 am looking at Pornhub. I’m totally heartbroken and don’t know how to recover from this. I have been crying for an hour trying to figure out what I did wrong. Where did I fail him? ….Is there a way to block incognito mode? This is what he used, and it breaks my heart to think how many times this has happened. I don’t think I can sleep at all thinking about this.—A mother writing to Protect Young Eyes

So, let’s get one thing straight up front. This mom is an amazing parent. It’s not fair that our kids are pitted against genius software engineers and mature content around every digital corner. But it’s also insane to expect parents to just “figure it out” while going up against omniscient technology that has infiltrated friendships, sleepovers, schools, homework, sports teams, youth groups, and bus rides. 

I want to share a framework that has helped thousands of parents prepare and protect their family online more effectively. Congress isn’t coming to save us, and the Church isn’t doing close to enough. It’s up to us as parents!

The PYE Five Layers of Digital Protection

Layer 1: Build Digital Trust. Parents we must begin protecting our child online by looking in the mirror. Are we modeling the right digital behaviors? Would we want them to use their technology just like we do? Are we showing our children the “sweetness of doing nothing?” 

Because if we’re distracted, we can’t pursue an authentic connection with our children. Consistent, meaningful engagement between parents and children, through talking, attentive listening, singing, reading, and playing, nurtures language growth and the development of communication abilities. 

And when it comes to tech, be more persistent than the algorithms in their lives. In fact, I recommend “10 before 10”— 10 porn talks before age 10.

I recommend digital drops, not drownings—little bits, over time. When talking to our children, we don’t have to be perfect, elegant, deep, or articulate. Instead, aim for consistent, quick, curious, and caring. This will build digital trust between us and our kids. Step by step and chat by chat. Because in homes where Digital Trust is high, digital friction is often low. And, when we do decide to put a supercomputer in their hands, do it with grace and grit. Consider using something like this mom’s brilliant letter to her daughter. 

Layer 2: Hug Your Router. When was the last time most of us thought about our router? If we list everything in our home that uses our WiFi, we see it is a big list. I realize smartphones and some tablets have data plans. We’ll cover those in a moment. But first, it’s time to hug your router, which supports both digital control and digital culture.

Because our router allows an internet signal to “enter” our home, like your front door, and like a lock on that front door, a router with a filter, time controls, VPN blockers, and other monitoring features can prevent harm from entering the home. And most young children use devices that use WiFi. A good router can prevent an early childhood accidental exposure to life-altering content and keep unwanted devices (e.g., burner phones) from being used. 

A good router can also support your family’s digital culture by creating conversation about the role of the router and why it’s important for adults and kids. 

Layer 3: Monitor Every Device. As parents, we now have great devices made with kids in mind. Remember the right tech at the right time. And, if possible, we don’t want a child’s first device to be an iPhone, at least not until well into high school. Here’s our global guide to selecting a kid's first phone. Also, remember that no third-party monitoring software works for Snapchat, Instagram, or TikTok on iPhones, because Apple won’t let them, which is why we say: #delayistheway.

Layer 4: Guard the Location. Where kids and adults use technology has a massive impact on how we use technology. We want to avoid five places that increase the risk of digital harm: bathrooms, bedrooms, buses, sleepovers, and grandma and grandpa’s house. So in all cases, we avoid the toxic trio, which is bedrooms, boredom, and darkness, combined with anything online. 

Layer 5: App Controls are Weak. Use them Anyway! Popular apps like YouTube, Snapchat, TikTok, and Instagram have some parental controls. But they’re at the top of the pyramid because we depend on them the least. Why? Because app community guidelines likely don’t support your family’s values. 

And use the 7-day rule. I don’t care what cartoon character is on the app logo; I recommend that parents download the app, too, and use it for seven straight days, regularly, and with a child’s account, so they can see what a child might see. What ads are in the game? Most parents don’t know iPhone games rated 4+ have ads for mature apps rated 12+? What language is used? Is there a chat feature (which is very common)?

Every parent should ask: “Do I want my child to experience everything I’ve experienced?” 

Follow Your Gut 

Dr. Mitch Prinstein, the Chief Science Officer for the American Psychological Association, once told me, “Chris, there are no findings showing harm to children who stay off of social media. In fact, some emerging evidence suggests that the most socially competent kids are refraining from using these platforms.”

Deep down, as parents, we know this is true. But if—and when—we say 'yes' to some technology, we need to wrap our amazing kiddos in these five layers of protection. Step by step and chat by chat, we can show them how to be prepared and protected online. 

Chris McKenna is the founder and CEO of Protect Young Eyes.