To Avoid Unfaithful Friendships, Invest in Your Marriage

The time of life when couples are dating, getting engaged, and transitioning to marriage is filled with the thrills and joys of giving and receiving love and loyalty. We are often surrounded by family and friends when wedding vows are exchanged, and mounds of research¹ suggests that these same friends and family can also strengthen our marriage and commitment over time. In fact, the social support received from co-workers, friends, and others in our faith and social circles can be a helpful source of connection and support during dark and difficult days.

While friends and social networks can offer support and companionship, it is imperative to be constantly vigilant with our emotions and feelings of connection. Affairs often start with friendships that lead to fun, then feelings, flirting, and physical affection. The boundaries between friendship and romance can sometimes blur quickly, creating a slippery slope that can lead to heartache, wrecked relationships, and regret. 

Unfaithful friendships, where a friendly relationship between married or committed individuals crosses the line into emotional or physical infidelity, are more common than many people realize. Results from U.S. surveys of adults reveal that people most commonly report having extramarital sex with a close personal friend (53.5%) or neighbor, coworker, or long-term acquaintance (29.4%).

For her book, Couples in Crisis, Debra Macleod interviewed more than 300 couples who experienced infidelity to learn where they met their affair partners. She discovered they often begin where people spent significant time and shared common interests, including at the office and workplace, gyms, social media, friend groups, social circles, and even places of worship or volunteering. Being aware of the potential dangers in these environments can help individuals recognize and prevent situations that might lead to infidelity.

Warning Signs of Unfaithful Friendships

While some close friendships outside of a committed relationship can be healthy and enriching, it’s important to be aware of when these connections might be crossing boundaries. Understanding certain red flags can help you maintain the integrity of your marriage and prevent unintended emotional or physical infidelity. By recognizing these early, you can address potential issues before they escalate and potentially damage your relationship.

Here are some common warning signs that may indicate a friendship is becoming too friendly:

• Emotional Intensity: Sharing intimate details with someone other than your partner, reaching out on social media, looking for reasons to text, seeking emotional support, and prioritizing their opinions over your partner’s can all indicate an unhealthy attachment.
• Secrecy: Keeping your interactions with your friend or co-worker secret from your partner is another warning sign. If you need to hide texts, calls, social media comments, or meetings, it suggests that the relationship could be crossing boundaries.
• Physical Affection: While friendly hugs may be acceptable in some situations, prolonged physical contact, flirtatious touches, or increased physical closeness can indicate the relationship is becoming more than friendly.
• Time Together: Finding ways to spend excessive time with someone other than your partner can lead to emotional and physical distance and strain your relationship.
• Comparisons: Frequent mental comparisons of your partner to your friend or co-worker, especially in a favorable light, can indicate you are developing unfaithful feelings. They can be compelling and even exhilarating but ultimately misleading. The emotions can blind you, causing unwise comparisons that can erode satisfaction with your partner.

If you suspect unfaithful behavior from your partner, it’s best to bring up your concern in a non-accusatory way.

Recognizing these warning signs is the first step in protecting your relationship from potential infidelity. However, awareness alone is not enough. To maintain healthy relationships with friends and colleagues, while preserving the integrity of your marriage, it’s essential to establish and keep clear boundaries. 

Set Boundaries

Setting appropriate boundaries can prevent friendships from developing into inappropriate emotional or physical connections. But how can you set boundaries without having to avoid social settings? 

Here are some tips on how to set boundaries:

• Communicate Openly with a Partner: Regular and honest communication with your spouse about friendships and how you feel about them is vital. Discuss what both of you consider appropriate and inappropriate behavior in friendships and at work.
• Agree on Boundaries: Set clear, agreed-upon boundaries for interactions with friends, co-workers and others. This might include things like not spending time alone in private with opposite-sex friends, not riding alone together in a vehicle, and avoiding working on projects one-on-one for extended periods of time. 
• Include Your Spouse: Make efforts to include your spouse in friendships, especially with couples. This promotes transparency and creates a shared social circle that is less likely to lead to isolation or secretive behaviors.
• Be Mindful of Emotional Intimacy: Be cautious about sharing personal or intimate details with friends or co-workers that you should be sharing with your spouse instead. Emotional intimacy can sometimes lead to emotional affairs.
• Social Media and Communication Channels: Be transparent about your communications. You often can’t control what you see but you have much more control over what you seek or look for. Always think twice before sending messages that you wouldn’t want your spouse to see, or before following old flames on Facebook or other social media sites.

Nurture Your Relationship

Recognizing red flags and creating clear boundaries with your partner about interactions with colleagues, gym friends, social media contacts, and other friends are key to avoiding unfaithful friendships and infidelity. It is equally important to consistently invest time, energy, and effort into nurturing your primary partnership. This ongoing investment serves as a powerful safeguard against potential infidelity by strengthening your emotional connection, improving communication, and reinforcing your commitment to each other. By actively working on your relationship, you create an environment of trust, understanding, and fulfillment that naturally reduces the allure of outside connections.  

Here are some additional ways to proactively guard your relationship: 

• Stay connected: Maintain open communication and prioritize emotional intimacy and connection with your partner. Regularly check in with each other and share your feelings, social activities, work life, and other interactions. Transparency builds trust and reduces the chances of secrecy, and open communication helps keep you on the same page about what is acceptable.
• Prioritize your relationship: Spend quality time nurturing your emotional and physical connection. Give your partner all your heart and attention—don’t let it wander or make them wonder. Choose to go “all-in” by focusing exclusively on your partner.
• Seek Counseling and Workshops: Consider attending marriage counseling or relationship education workshops that help strengthen your bond, increase your love and loyalty, and improve your communication skills and feelings of connection.
• Involve your partner: Include your partner in your social interactions with friends. This can help prevent the development of inappropriate bonds and emotions and ensures that your partner feels included and valued.
• Reflect on your intentions: Regularly assess your feelings and intentions toward friends. If you find yourself developing romantic feelings, recognize those subtle or strong feelings and take a step back and refocus on your primary relationship.
• Renew Commitment: Occasionally renew your vows or have discussions that reaffirm your commitment to each other. This helps keep the relationship fresh and reminds both partners of their dedication to one another. And finally, hold fast to your promises, commitments, and covenants—it’s essential to lock your heart and invest in your relationships at home.
• Seek support: If you find it challenging to maintain boundaries, consider seeking support from a therapist. Professional guidance can help you navigate complex emotions and reinforce healthy relationship practices.

Unfaithful friendships are a significant threat to marital happiness. Being aware of the common places where affairs can begin, recognizing warning signs, and taking proactive steps to set boundaries and prioritize your spouse can prevent friendships from crossing into romantic territory. Remember that vigilance, honesty, and a commitment to preserving the integrity of your marriage are essential. By doing so, you can foster a healthy, resilient, and fulfilling relationship with the person to whom you promised your loyalty and love.

Dave Schramm is an associate professor and family life extension specialist at Utah State University in the department of Human Development and Family Studies.