One Overlooked Reason Modern Parents Are Stressed

According to U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy's new advisory, parents are struggling to cope with stress caused by shifting societal norms, pressures, and environmental factors that impact their mental health and, in turn, their children’s mental health. In fact, 48% of parents say that most days their stress is "overwhelming." Even before Covid-19, parents reported a reduced ability to cope with the stress of parenting. What is indisputable is that children’s mental health depends on their parents’ mental health, parents’ mental health is in decline, and as a society, we have failed parents by promoting the myth that we can do it all and have it all, all at the same time.

Modern parenting isn’t easy. It has become increasingly difficult to manage a one-income working family due to economic and societal pressures on women to participate full time in the workforce. Two, full-time, intensely-working parents mean more stress, not only on the children but also on the parents. It means more juggling and balancing of child care arrangements, less time for self care, and more guilt. What we are not talking enough about is the fact that stressed-out and preoccupied parents, who are busy working outside the home and distracted by technology, have less time to spend with their children in a calm and relaxed state, raising children who are also more stressed and difficult to manage. It is cyclical: when children do not get their emotional and physical needs met by parents who are exhausted, depressed, anxious, and distracted, they become the squeaky wheel, expressing their pain through aggression, distractibility, and depression, just to name a few symptoms. When parents reorient themselves toward embracing their children’s needs, making the necessary sacrifices, and stepping off the merry-go-round of trying to balance it all, their children’s symptoms often diminish quite quickly.

In my opinion as a mental health professional, the origin of our stress as parents comes down to shifting our priorities away from focusing on children and their health toward a more self-centered approach and the belief that we can have it all without sacrificing anything.

The Surgeon General cites several reasons for this trend: social media, gun violence, child safety, poverty, economic strain, academic pressures, and parental isolation and loneliness. All of these factors certainly impact the stress levels today’s parents are reporting. But in my opinion as a mental health professional, the origin is deeper. It comes down to shifting our priorities away from focusing on children and their overall health toward a more self-centered approach and believing that one can have it all without sacrificing anything. This leads to excessive conflict, guilt, and anxiety—which can cause more stress. Parents often become excessively controlling and perfectionistic to compensate for these feelings, causing even more stress.

Children do not need perfect parents, perfect scores, or a perfect path to a perfect future. They don’t need fancy schools, expensive vacations, or a larger house. What they need are parents who are physically and emotionally present, relaxed, and unconflicted about where they should be. They need parents who feel joy in being with them rather than obligation and fatigue. Even when many parents are with their children today, they are not fully present due to technology, concerns over work commitments, or exhaustion from trying to do it all. The old saying “You can do it all, just not at the same time” rings true here.  

We have become a society that prioritizes material success and achievement in our children and ourselves over time spent “being” with them and caring for ourselves. Even when we are with them, according to the Surgeon General, we are plotting out, strategizing, and planning their future success, whether it’s the next academic achievement, scheduled extracurricular activity, or social engagement.  

We have failed our children and ourselves. We have bought into the myth that we don’t have to sacrifice anything to raise healthy children and to be healthy ourselves. To flourish, children need healthy parents, and, as the saying goes, a parent is only as happy as their least happy child. So maybe it’s time to take a step back and take a good long look at what we are doing to ourselves with our do-everything, have-everything parenting styles. Instead, we should focus on being with those we love, even if we must live a smaller life when raising small children. Maybe then, we can get back to a world where parents have time and space to parent, care for themselves, and ensure a future of health and happiness for their families.

Erica Komisar, LCSW is a psychoanalyst and author of Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters and Chicken Little the Sky Isn’t Falling: Raising Resilient Adolescents in the New Age of Anxiety.

Editor's Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or views of the Institute for Family Studies.