Rule Number One For Dating: Is This Person Marriageable?

“Dad, I’ve got a new boyfriend...And guess what? He’s marriageable.”  This was from an actual conversation with one of my daughters. And as you can imagine, it caused me to do an invisible fist pump. Yes, I thought, Dad is not completely useless after all! She has paid attention to dad’s first rule of romance: choose somebody who is marriageable.

What Does 'Marriageable' Even Mean?

So why "marriageable," and what does it mean? Well, let’s start with what it doesn’t mean! I don’t mean that you need to marry them straightaway or even at any point in the future. But, using the business partner analogy, if you are going to build a relationship with somebody that has the potential to last, you need to start with somebody with whom you could imagine there is a realistic future together. 

So that person needs to have sufficient positive characteristics that put them within the pool of genuine long-term prospects. And since that also means you may want to be considering marriage at some point, they need to be “marriageable.” 

Unless you just want to have fun and have no particular prospects, what you don’t want is somebody who doesn’t fit the bill, who you could never imagine marrying. If you can’t see any kind of future with them, then you are wasting your time and probably setting yourself up for heartache. In other words, you need to look for something a bit deeper than “Wow! They look amazing!”

Men and Women Relate Differently

Now, I don’t want to be too prescriptive about what “marriageable” means. I can easily imagine that one person might especially value some particular character trait over anything else. Whereas for another person, that character trait is less important than whether their potential partner can provide financial security. 

I know that the current political and media narrative is to be skeptical of apparent differences between men and women. There’s a really positive aspect to this in terms of aspiration and opportunity. As husband of an inspiring, dynamic, and capable wife—and as a father of four similarly inspiring, dynamic, and capable daughters—we have always talked about going for anything they set their mind to and not feeling limited or constrained by what other people think. 

But there are some important differences between men and women in the world of how we relate. One difference is that men’s commitment tends to be more closely linked with the decision-making process. Another difference is in the way men and women respond to one another in relationships. Remember these are general tendencies, not fixed rules, and individual experience will vary. So it may be that your experience is quite the opposite. 

A finding that frequently crops up in research studies is that while women are more sensitive to the way they are treated, men are more sensitive to the level of argument reached. So, for example, IFS Senior Fellow and Professor Scott Stanley and colleagues surveyed 908 adults who were in a relationship, whether engaged, married, or cohabiting. This sample was representative of the US population in terms of age, income, and experience of divorce. The men in the study were far more likely to report problems if they noted that they handled arguments badly as a couple. They were also more likely than women to walk away from arguments. In contrast, for the women, the positive aspects of life—the extent to which they felt satisfied with their relationship, their levels of friendship, fun, and sensuality—were just as important as the way they handled arguments badly. 

Two studies by Professor Frank Fincham and colleagues of 96 couples in the US produce similar sorts of findings from a slightly different angle. They found that wives handled arguments better if they received more forgiveness. Husbands handled arguments better only if the level of conflict was lower.

What Women and Men Want in a Partner

These studies give us some useful pointers for how men and women might think slightly differently about what “marriageable” might mean. A “marriageable” man treats women well, doesn’t walk away from difficult arguments, is able to forgive, and can be a friend. A “marriageable” woman deals well with conflict, without degenerating into bad behavior.

In the survey of 300 mothers that my wife Kate and I ran for our book What Mums Want and Dads Need To Know, we asked mothers to tell us how highly they rated each of 29 roles, qualities, and characteristics in their husband or partner. At the top of the list came being friends, being interested in them, being a co-parent, being interested in the children, being kind, and being forgiving. At the bottom of the list came the ability to fix things, the ability to earn, and being adventurous. 

If you are going to build a relationship with somebody that has the potential to last, you need to start with somebody with whom you could imagine having a realistic future.

The things at the bottom of the list were not unimportant. They just were not as important as friendship, interest, kindness, and forgiveness. Also high up the list were being encouraging, appreciative, helpful, and patient. 

More recently, at Marriage Foundation, I ran a more scientific survey of 2,000 young men and women, aged 18-35. I asked them about the importance of 10 different qualities in a partner/spouse. It turns out that men and women look for the same sorts of things in one another. 

Top of the list this time came honesty, rated “very important” by 86% of women and 74% of men. Just behind this in second place came kindness, followed by friendship, interest, politeness and empathy. 

Kindness Matters

If I had to put one factor at the top of my list, based on my own experience of 40 years of marriage, it would be kindness. Kindness is an active word that means you’ve had to think about somebody and what they might need or appreciate. It shows that you are other-centered and not self-centered. 

Most of us sit up and notice when we hear about some little random act of kindness. We think “How kind” when somebody stops, or gives, or asks, or cooks, or tidies, or helps, or listens. To me, a kind person is a “marriageable” person. 

When Kate and I first met, she says she saw in me somebody who was decent, truthful and honourable, socially similar, and someone with whom she could see a future. Although I was introverted and not as actively thoughtful as she would have liked, I was still kind. Had I been loud and gregarious, the life and soul of the party, she could never have gone out with me. Instead, my quiet reserve meant I could be trusted not to run off with someone else. For her, I was a safe bet. 

What I saw in Kate when we first met was someone who looked gorgeous and was kind. She was also fun, bubbly, and vivacious—all the things that I wasn’t. Our similar social backgrounds were definitely a plus but, for me, not essential. Nonetheless, I knew very early on that this was the girl I wanted to marry. 

Don't Waste Your Time

Although neither of us would have used the word “marriageable” back in the mid-1980s, without knowing it each of us had a framework of what “marriageable” meant in order to size each other up. As things turned out, I am delighted to say that we both chose exceptionally well!

You can see that each of us had slightly different versions of what “marriageable” meant. But whatever it means to you, having this word in your head will dramatically reduce the risk of wasting your time. You want somebody with whom you can imagine a future together. So, don’t be afraid to ask: Is he or she marriageable?

Dr. Harry Benson is Research Director at the UK Marriage Foundation. His PhD thesis, ‘The timing of marriage and union dissolution among first time parents in the UK,’ is available from the University of Bristol. His new book Reliable Love: the Psychology of Marriage and Commitment is out now on Amazon. Follow him on Instagram at: harrybenson6.

Editor’s Note: This essay is a lightly edited excerpt from Chapter 10 of the author’s new book, Reliable Love: The Psychology of Marriage and Commitment. It has been used here with permission.