Highlights
There’s been a lot of discussion lately about young women having unrealistically high standards for men, and I think there’s some truth to this. Everywhere we look, we’re told to never settle, to “dump him” and “cheat on him,” to watch out for “red flags” and warning signs. Across social media, women share shallow and superficial standards: men must be over six foot and make six-figure salaries. But as I’ve argued recently at First Things, women should have high moral standards when it comes to selecting a young man to date.
Of course, other factors are important: there’s nothing wrong with wanting a guy with financial stability, and you should be attracted to him. But many of these viral checklists miss things that are harder to measure, and much of what predicts marital happiness and stability involves character.
So here are five traits that marriage-minded young women should look for in a man:
1. He should be clear about his intentions.
In modern dating, there’s a lot of confusion about intentions. There are vague “talking stages” before becoming exclusive; many get stuck in “situationships” without commitment, and both men and women are encouraged to keep a “roster,” trying out multiple people at the same time. Dating advice often encourages playing hard to get, punishing each other by being vague and distant, and never showing vulnerability.
But young women should look for a man whose intentions are clear. It should be obvious that he wants you, and only you. You shouldn’t feel confused about where he stands, or like you have to play games to keep his attention.
Look for a man whose intentions are clear. It should be obvious that he wants you, and only you.
He should have clear intentions throughout the relationship, too. Life gets busy, but you should always feel like a priority. And this can make both of you happier. According to For Better, a 2025 report by IFS and the Wheatley Institute, husbands who “completely agree” that their marriage is one of the most important parts of their lives have 234% higher odds of being “very happy” in their marriages than less devoted husbands.
There’s also a difference between “sliding” and “deciding,” as psychologist and IFS Senior Fellow Scott Stanley argues. Your partner should be intentional about you, and about each stage of the relationship: becoming exclusive, getting engaged and eventually married, and having children. Ideally, these are decisions you actively make together, rather than drift into.
2. He should be protective of you.
Nowadays, protectiveness is often seen as old-fashioned, and some women argue that they don’t need men to protect them anymore. And yet when women do share lists of “green flags” online, they are usually about safety, from men walking on the outside of the pavement to checking if they got home okay.
In fact, a recent IFS and YouGov survey of Americans ages 18 to 29 found that although Gen Z men and women take a more egalitarian approach to dating, both still believe that protecting women is important. “More than 70% of young men say that men should protect women, and a similar share of young women agree,” writes Wendy Wang, Senior Fellow and Director of Research at IFS. Even among liberal young women, 64% said that men should protect women.
So look for someone who makes you feel safe and secure. According to For Better, wives who said it was “definitely true” that their husbands are protective were 137% more likely to be very happy in their marriages than wives with less protective husbands. This works both ways: husbands with highly protective wives were 61% more likely to be very happily married. Protectiveness, the authors suggest, means physical safety but also loyalty—from fidelity to defending each other in front of others.
3. He should be faithful, both online and off.
Everyone seems to have different expectations for relationships now. There are so few societal boundaries anymore that we each must set our own individual boundaries. This can become very confusing, as we desperately try to figure out what “exclusive” means, what counts as cheating, and what behavior is acceptable.
Online, too, there are new forms of infidelity: “micro-cheating” now describes anything from deleting Instagram DMs to liking other women’s bikini pictures. Young women can feel pressured to tolerate this behavior, so as not to seem “insecure” or controlling. It’s harder than ever to know where the line is, and without moral and religious language, it's harder to object to bad behavior, too.
But you should have a guy’s full attention. He shouldn’t be following porn stars and OnlyFans influencers or liking inappropriate pictures of other women on social media. His online activity should not give you a sinking feeling in your stomach; it should make you feel safe and respected.
Look for a man who does not watch porn, either. Porn use has been associated with lower relationship satisfaction, a higher likelihood of infidelity, and an increased risk of divorce. A 2017 longitudinal study by sociologists Samuel Perry and Cyrus Schleifer, involving over 2,000 married Americans, found that those who started watching porn were more likely to divorce as those who didn’t. According to IFS Senior Fellows Brian Willoughby and Jason Carroll, models from the study suggest that a 20-year-old who starts watching porn has a 51% chance of divorce, compared to 9% for one who doesn’t—more than five times higher.
A guy's online activity should not give you a sinking feeling in your stomach; it should make you feel safe and respected.
Of course, many young men today struggle with watching porn, but at the very least, a guy should be honest with you up front, and take your feelings about pornography seriously. And if porn is a problem in his life, he needs to be willing to make some changes for your relationship.
As it happens, strong online boundaries make for happier and more stable marriages. According to iFidelity, a 2019 report from the National Marriage Project at UVA, married and cohabiting Americans who crossed three or more online boundaries (such as following exes, watching porn, or sexting other people) were 26 percentage points less likely to be “very happy” in their relationships, compared to those who didn’t cross any.
4. He should encourage you to be a better person and share your values.
Online, women often talk about wanting “princess treatment” and never settling for anything less than perfection. It can almost feel as though if you compromise on anything for a man, if you sacrifice at all, you’ve made a mistake and are in the wrong relationship.
But most women don’t really want to dominate their boyfriends or husbands. The point of a relationship is not to be worshipped by someone but to become a better person—for it to change you in ways you couldn’t change alone. So look for a man who inspires you to be better.
It's also important to look for one who shares your values. A recent report from IFS, The Devout Difference, found that 78% of value-aligned Catholic and Protestant spouses say they are in happy marriages, compared to only 36% of non-aligned spouses. Value alignment is the “single strongest predictor” of marital satisfaction, the authors conclude. And according to For Better, husbands who regularly attend church with their wives have 212% higher odds of very happy marriages.
5. He should believe that marriage is for life.
Today, it’s fashionable to think of marriage as flexible and conditional, a season of life. On a recent episode of Call Her Daddy, the most popular podcast for women, host Alex Cooper told listeners wondering if they could do better than their husbands that “the answer is always yes.” In popular culture, divorce is treated not as a tragedy but as something to celebrate, a fresh start in life—even when there are children involved.
But this is not how marriage should work. You shouldn’t see it that way, and neither should your husband. Marriage is not about finding the best product on the market but about building a life together that lasts. A lasting marriage is something your future children will be thankful for: children of divorce are more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression, to struggle at school, and to have their own relationships break down.
In fact, “belief in marital permanence” is another strong predictor of marital satisfaction, according to The Devout Difference. Husbands and wives who share a strong commitment to lifelong marriage report the highest levels of marital happiness. Your partner should not talk about marriage as though it’s temporary or trivial. Look for a man who is excited about making this commitment, who mentions and plans for it early on, and knows that it is for life.
Ultimately, it’s less important what a man earns, or what material checklists he meets. Ambition is important, as is attraction. But beyond that, the most important question to ask is about a man’s character: Is he a good person? Is he intentional? Is he protective? Faithful online and off? Inspiring? Committed? If you find a man like that, don’t take him for granted. And if you are still looking, make sure you meet all of these standards first, and you will be one step closer to finding him.
Freya India is a Fellow at the Institute for Family Studies, a contributing writer at The Free Press, and author of GIRLS®: Generation Z and the Commodification of Everything.
