Ready to Parent: Helping Couples Overcome the Fear of Parenthood

It seems the word “fertility” is much more in vogue these days than it was a decade ago. According to Google Trends, there has been a gentle uptick in searches for the word "fertility" since 2016 and then—for whatever reasons—a dramatic spike in searches over the past year.

A recent New York Times article highlighted the significant decline in U.S. fertility over the past 20 years and also explored contemporary young adults’ intellectual wrestling with the child-free vs. child-full lifestyle. The story correctly pointed out that some of the decline in fertility is among teens and poorer unmarried young adults, whose children are much more likely to grow up in poverty, experience lower quality parenting, and have reduced opportunities in life. That is, some of the decline in fertility is a success story for pro-marriage advocates, even if there are real demographic, economic, and social consequences to deal with in our future. (Note, however, that fertility declines and rates of childlessness have been similar for more and less educated women, according to a recent report.)

Hesitant About Starting Families

According to a 2024 Pew Research Center article on reasons younger adults are hesitating to have children, the number one reason given was, “just don’t want to” (57%), followed by “just want to focus on other things” (44%), and “just don't like children” (20%). These figures highlight how the norm of parenthood has weakened in our society. But the other reasons are even more intriguing, including “concerns about the state of the world” (38%), “can’t afford to have a child” (36%), and “concerns about the [negative impact on the] environment” (26%). A quarter (24%) of young adults said they “haven’t found the right partner,” suggesting a desire to be parents but a sensible decision to not do it alone. And just this past week, another New York Times story explored a potential emerging contributor to the baby bust: deep uncertainty about the future, both personal and societal. 

All of this brought back an experience I had a few years ago. Some friends invited me over to their home one balmy Sunday evening. We sat on the back porch with a lovely view of the nearby Wasatch Mountains (Utah) sipping some juice concoction. Their married eldest daughter joined us (intentionally), and my friends mentioned to me that their daughter—married for 3-4 years at that time—was really struggling with the idea of bringing children into the world, even though she valued motherhood. I was a bit surprised. She was the go-to babysitter in her neighborhood during her teen years. She had grown up in a loving, stable, religious home with cherished siblings, and had a seemingly solid marriage to a good man who also liked children. She was working but did not have a strong career focus. Motherhood had a positive valence for her. 

Yet she just wasn’t sure that parenthood was a good idea anymore. She wanted to “process” with me as a marriage and family scholar-practitioner her hesitance and concerns. The concerns she expressed echoed many of the external reasons highlighted by the Pew Research Center survey: a crazy world that seems to be falling apart, a looming environmental catastrophe, and simple economics—whether they could provide for children on a teacher’s salary and in a very expensive housing market where they intended to move. She said that having children under these conditions just seemed risky, maybe even selfish. Children deserved better. 

We had a sensitive and productive conversation as I asked questions and shared research-based perspectives and general wisdom. I won’t share with readers the contents of this very private conversation. But I became much more aware of—and sympathetic to—the real mental load young adults today carry as they wrestle with a choice to bring children into the world and accept the responsibilities of parenthood. This decision was much more straightforward for my generation. 

Young adults today experience a much higher cultural threshold for fertility decisions than previous generations have faced.

Yes, many couples today simply don’t want children and want to prioritize work, independence, time for leisure pursuits, and the couple relationship over the heavy demands and intensive expectations of 21st-century parenting. I get it, and that’s their choice. But my thoughts are drawn more to the significant number of childless couples who would welcome parenthood but struggle to get over the mental hump of whether it is even a good idea these days. 

I’m pretty pronatalist. I think rearing children may be the most soul-stretching, meaning-making, and transformational choice we have in the range of human experience, as well as the single most significant concrete contribution we make to humanity. Human life—in the image of God—is itself an inherent good and something that doesn’t lend itself straightforwardly to rational, economic analysis. Yet I’m deeply sympathetic to this generation of young parent maybe-wanna-be’s who experience a much higher cultural threshold for fertility decisions than previous generations have faced. And I doubt my moralistic and intellectual defense of children and parenthood is going to be very helpful to real-world couples grappling with this conundrum. 

Parenthood Decision-Making

But what can we do? And how can I go beyond the occasional one-on-one conversations I have had (and continue to have) with young adults who are hesitant about starting families? These thoughts bounced around my head for several years and eventually became a prime motivation for tasking the Utah Marriage Commission (with which I worked) to develop an educational resource—a research-based, balanced, online course designed to help young couples today name their hesitations and concerns about becoming parents, hold them up against the research, talk together about them, and come to a more settled decision point. (And if they decide to move forward, they also might benefit from the Commission’s online course, BabyREADY!)

This online course, called ParenthoodREADY, is self-paced, with regular pauses for self-reflection and deep couple discussion. It takes on the important questions couples have with research-based perspectives and balanced wisdom, including: 

• Why does this decision feel so complicated?
• Can we afford it? What are the financial considerations of becoming parents?
• How will parenthood change our couple relationship? And how can we navigate partner differences?
• Am I emotionally and mentally ready to become a parent?
• What are the physical health challenges of pregnancy and parenthood?
• How can we make decisions about parenthood in such a crazy world and with the scary implications of climate change? 
• How can we make an intentional decision about this big life event? 

I hope over the next few years more applied family scholars and practitioners will turn their attention to young couples who are conflicted about becoming parents. We need more quality resources to help them with this difficult decision—especially stories that feature the voices of young couples who have overcome their initial worries and become parents. There will be a need for both secular and religious voices. Real-life narratives could help cancel out the seductive voices on social media celebrating and advocating for the child-free lifestyle and questioning the wisdom of producing and nurturing the next generation. 

We need more applied family scholars and practitioners to turn their attention to young couples who are conflicted about becoming parents.

Not all childless couples want children. I can understand and respect that choice. But many do. And many of those that do will struggle to cross that threshold. They deserve more than a societal shrug and a sheepish “good luck with your decision.” They deserve a respectful understanding of the reasons for their hesitations, the unique 21st-century headwinds they are facing, and a fair treatment of the thrills and chills of modern parenthood. (Not to mention some more family-friendly public policies that could better support their voluntary parental sacrifices.) Finally, they could use some heartfelt thanks, old-fashioned cheerleading, and even some material support when they make the challenging personal choice to boost the national fertility rate. 

Which reminds me: I need to send an encouraging text to the young woman I mentioned earlier, the one who wanted to process her fears with me about bringing children into the world. She is raising young twins now. Courage and hope come in many different forms!  

Alan J. Hawkins is an emeritus professor of family life at Brigham Young University, a member of the Utah Marriage Commission, an affiliated scholar with the Wheatley Institute, and a non-resident fellow with the Institute for Family Studies. 

*Photo credit: Shutterstock