What Ever Happened to Dating? The Rise of 'Just Talking' Relationships

Emerging adulthood is a time of life characterized by decision-making in romantic relationships. Most emerging adults (18 to 29-year-olds) utilize this time for romantic and sexual exploration with ambitions and expectations for marriage (see Millennial Marriage or The Marriage Paradox). Scholars such as Drs. Scott Stanley and Galena Rhoades have argued that the pathway to marriage has become increasingly ambiguous with fewer clear markers of relationship progression and commitment.

In recent years, we have seen increasing ambiguity about romantic relationship formation, along with a decrease in clear signals to clarify intentions of commitment. Unfortunately, current ambiguity in emerging romantic relationship transitions may make it difficult for partners to agree on when the relationship actually began due to multiple types of soft beginnings during which commitment is not clarified. Consequently, the pathways to sexual and romantic partnership have diversified, giving rise to several types of causal sexual relationships and experiences, such as hooking up and friends with benefits, and, as previously discussed on this blog, situationships. What seems to be facilitating the development of current romantic relationships, however, is a pre-dating stage known as “just talking.”

“We’re not dating. We’re not seeing each other. We’re just talking.” 

I have continually heard this statement, or something similar, spoken by my students and therapy clients over the years. In 2014, while I was a doctoral student at Kansas State University, I taught two large sections of the course Introduction to Human Development with 700-800 students per semester. This is when my interest in researching the “just talking” trend began. During class discussions, my students explained that most were not going on dates but instead were engaging in a pre-dating phase of romantic relationship formation that they described as “talking” or “just talking.” I was shocked at the time to learn that instead of asking and being asked out on dates, most emerging adults seem to be focused on communicating through text messages, Snapchat, and other forms of social media. This just talking stage of romantic relationship formation was not unique to Kansas State University, and for the past 10 years at Northern Illinois University, I have continued collecting both qualitative and quantitative data. 

Instead of asking and being asked out on dates, most emerging adults seem to be focused on communicating through text messages, Snapchat, and other forms of social media.

Research is still in its infancy regarding the phenomenon of just talking; however, two of the first journal articles about just talking were recently published by Powell et al. (2021) and Hardesty et al. (2024). Thankfully, the concept of just talking finally seems to be gaining some traction as a viable research area, and journals and academic research conferences are increasingly showcasing some of the work that is being done.

The Smartphone Effect

Even back in 2014, it was becoming abundantly clear that dating for the emerging adult (18–29-year-olds) population was being substantially impacted by the advent of smartphones and social media. Although pre-dating behaviors to get to know someone prior to officially dating have been around for decades, the integration of technology into emerging adults’ lives has fundamentally changed how people get to know potential romantic and sexual partners. Google Trends’ searches involving the phrase just talking began in September 2008 and continued to rise until January 2016, where it has remained a consistently prevalent search term (the highest prevalence so far was in February 2024).

It’s important to note that just talking relationships seem to be different than situationships or hooking up. In my research with 655 emerging adults, for instance, 60.9% of participants indicated that “just talking” is a step to entering a committed relationship, and only 21.5% agreed that it involves casual sex. Interestingly, regarding hooking up, our results were nearly evenly split with 35.6% disagreeing that just talking involves hooking up, 33.7% neutral, and 30.7% stating they believed it involved hooking up.

Proceed with Caution

This past July, I attended the International Association for Relationship Research 2024 Conference in Boston, Massachusetts, with two of my students, where we presented the findings from two of our research projects. In our paper presentation, “Proceed with Caution: How Emerging Adults Are Testing the Water in Just Talking Relationships,” we presented both qualitative and quantitative data. Click here to view the handout we distributed during the conference. As you can see in the figure below, there are some differences in the beliefs men and women have about this pre-dating behavior.

*Note. The response options "strongly disagree" and "disagree" were combined to represent how many
emerging adults disagreed with the statements about just talking relationships. The same was done for
the response options of "strongly agree" and "agree." The percentage of participants that indicated neutral
on the survey questions is not included.

This mixed methods study was built from the results of a previous qualitative study my colleagues and I completed that has been submitted for publication. We collected data from nine emerging adult focus groups from two large Midwestern universities. Eleven unique themes were generated to identify how emerging adults:

1. Conceptualize just talking (i.e., pre-dating, ambiguity about commitment, and unofficial romantic label)
2. The reasons for just talking (pressure to keep options open, protection from rejection, testing the waters, and avoiding defining the relationship), and
3. How technology may facilitate the just talking process (increases pool of potential partners, comfortable frequent contact, image crafting, and less effort required).

The Game is Rigged

A consistent finding is that most emerging adults would rather be asked out or ask someone on a date instead of just talking. In my sample of 655 emerging adults, only 7.6% stated that they would rather engage in just talking behavior rather than actually go on dates. In my qualitative interviews, many participants expressed frustration about just talking, but also indicated that just talking is the norm now due to the ease of smartphones and social media apps. It almost seemed foreign to many of our participants to not engage in this pre-dating behavior as a precursor for being ready to date. As one participant explained:

Just talking means that the couple is in the beginning stages before dating. They have feelings towards each other and are getting to know one another more. There is flirting and hanging out, but they are not quite ready for dating.

Unfortunately, for many of the women that we have interviewed in our focus groups or who have responded to some of our large surveys, the lived experience of just talking seems to favor men. Since just talking is not a “real committed relationship,” many men seem to be talking to multiple women at the same time. While women can also talk to multiple potential partners, it seems that a double standard exists. For instance, one female participant explained: 

So, I think girls when they’re just talking, they’re just talking to one guy, and they’re committed and want it to be something more. But I think guys are kind of playing the field a lot of the time and looking at their options just in case they get friend zoned.

Another one of the participants in the study explained how just talking can be frustrating, confusing, and even lead to emotional pain:

It is exhausting. You are constantly worrying whether the other person is into you and whether they are talking to other girls (which you know they are), which drives you insane….From my experience, you always end up with a broken heart. I ended up questioning my worth and became depressed the last time it didn’t work out. I ended up being so played by this guy. I spent the summer avoiding human contact and being bitter.

The assumption for many emerging adults is that just talking is harmless since the commitment in the relationship is never defined. Many people, especially men, seem to be motivated to avoid rejection, and to still explore their options. Since commitment is not defined, some emerging adults may feel free to “talk” to multiple different partners at a time. This can create unbalanced relationships in which one partner is more committed than the other (see more regarding asymmetrically committed relationships here and here).

Here to Stay

Just talking represents a new and interesting avenue for romantic relationship researchers to explore. There simply is no denying that technology is impacting how romantic relationships are formed. More research is needed to understand how just talking and other steps and stages lead to a committed relationship and even marriage. Just talking appears to be here to stay, since technology continues to be a driving force in romantic relationship formation. 

That being said, should emerging adults really abandon dating as a way to get to know potential partners? My advice for those who are looking to pursue a romantic relationship, or who are just talking to someone, is to be clear about your intentions with a potential partner. If you are hoping for commitment from a romantic partner, don’t wait too long before defining the relationship. And have the courage to clarify the commitment in the relationship.

My daughter recently turned 20 years old, and my wife and I want to do all that we can to help her make thoughtful and intentional choices that can lead to a loving and committed marriage. What we need to be promoting with young people is how they can improve their relationship decision-making skills. We can help emerging adults to carefully consider how their behavior and decisions in relationships can have lasting consequences. We can also provide emerging adults with research-backed relationship information so that they can avoid potential pitfalls. 

Emerging adults would do well to stop “waiting for the train” and seeking a soulmate. Instead, they should focus on creating an “only-one marriage” with a committed partner to build a future with. Far too many emerging adults seem to be getting stuck in a relationship that is headed nowhere. It is important that emerging adults and those that support them are able to detect and respond to red flags in a potential romantic partner. Instead of waiting for weeks, months, or even years to pass, be proactive and end a relationship with no future. Emerging adults can learn to navigate and even succeed in this turbulent and confusing dating landscape, but, as my colleague Dr. Scott Stanley would emphasize, make sure to “decide and not slide.”

D. Scott Sibley, Ph.D., LMFT, CFLE is an Associate Professor in Human Development and Family Sciences and the Associate Chair in the School of Family and Consumer Sciences at Northern Illinois University. He researches commitment in couple relationships and romantic relationship formation. Learn more about Dr. Sibley and his research team at DecideToCommit.com.