The 'Ick' Factor: How the Search for Perfection Is Fueling the Dating Recession

It was their third date. The first two dates had been “simple and sweet,” and they seemed “perfectly aligned” on the non-negotiables: both were in their mid-twenties, employed, and shared a Christian faith. “Plus, he’s good-looking, athletic, and loves the outdoors,” my client had enthusiastically shared. It was with genuine anticipation, then, that she headed out for another date. I was expectant on her behalf when we met for our therapy session the next day. Within the first five minutes, she leaned back with a wry smile: “He wore socks with his Birks.” I let the comment hang in the air, waiting for the punchline. “I got the ick!” she exclaimed.

What is the "Ick"

“The Ick”—a visceral, sudden surge of cringe triggered by a specific, often mundane behavior—has become a defining phenomenon of modern dating. While it may seem like a harmless social media trend, in an era marked by a dating recession, declining marriage rates, and a historic rise in the never-married population, we have to ask: Is this reflexive judgment serving us?

Dismissing a potentially deep connection because of a fleeting moment of cringe isn’t just picky—it’s a symptom of a dating culture that prioritizes perfection over long-term compatibility. And, as far as I’m concerned, it is remarkably short-sighted. To understand how we arrived at this point, we have to look at the shift in our romantic landscape.

From Pillars to Performance

While marriage remains a stated goal for the majority of young adults, the path to the altar is increasingly blocked by a new kind of gatekeeper: the aesthetic whim. Historically, we screened for pillars—the foundational qualities that could support a lifetime partnership. Today, we screen for “vibes” To understand why a pair of socks can now derail a promising future, we must first look at how the dating marketplace has changed our psychology.

We’ve always had dealbreakers in our relationships. In previous generations, these were grounded in social, economic, or moral realities: shared faith, a work ethic, or a desire for children. We looked for foundational pillars that indicated long-term stability and moral alignment. When something minor didn’t line up, or our partner had a quirk or a “cringe” habit, it was viewed as an idiosyncrasy to be managed, not a reason to run. 

Historically, we screened for pillars—the foundational qualities that could support a lifetime partnership. Today, we screen for vibes.

Today, however, we are treating a quirk with the same weight as a character flaw and, as a result, ending the relationship. This conflation, I believe, is fueled by three modern pressures: choice overload, social media, and the perfectionism trap.

Choice Overload and the Return Policy

In an era of infinite swiping, we suffer from the paradox of choice. When options are abundant, we become maximizers, meticulously searching and comparing possibilities. The more options we have, the more we fear making the “wrong” choice, which raises our expectations to an impossible level. This leads to what I describe to my clients and students as “analysis paralysis”—the psychological freeze that occurs when choices are seemingly endless. The mind becomes so focused on comparing every option and weighing every “what if” that it stalls out. Then, we begin to look not simply for a good partner but rather a perfect one, and the ick serves as a convenient, low-stakes exit ramp. 

Additionally, because the digital catalog of dating apps feels endless, we treat people like consumer products. Sociologists refer to this as commodification and argue that the idea of intimate, covenantal unions are being replaced by a consumeristic view of relationships today. In a covenantal model, partners are unique and irreplaceable, bound by a promise that transcends feelings. In a consumer model, partners are commodities—evaluated, selected, and discarded based on their emotional return on investment. When we get the ick, then, we are effectively acting as consumers encountering a faulty product, choosing to return it rather than repair the connection; essentially, we give ourselves permission to discard a human being rather than doing the hard work of building a connection. 

Social Media: The Partner as Brand Extension

Add social media to the mix, and the dating landscape becomes even more fraught. Social media has taken the concept of cringe and weaponized it. In our performative culture, a partner is often viewed as an extension of one’s personal brand, so if the person you are dating does something uncool—like wearing socks with Birks—it is no longer just a private annoyance, but rather a brand misalignment that might hinder your social status. Sociologist Danny Kaplan refers to this phenomenon as public intimacy, where social media acts as a “third party” in our private lives. Under the constant gaze of our followers, our partners are no longer just companions; they are co-performers. We don’t just ask, Do I like this person? we ask, How does this person look on my feed? In this context, then, the ick is an ego defense mechanism; it’s a way of distancing ourselves from someone who doesn’t fit a highly curated aesthetic.

We've allowed the search for perfect to become the enemy of the good enough, forgetting that a lasting covenant is built on grace for imperfections, not the absence of them.

The Perfectionism Trap

The pressure for perfection has bled into every facet of modern life—career, parenting, and now, romance. In previous generations, a spouse was a partner in a shared life; today, we are searching for a soulmate, who is simultaneously a best friend, passionate lover, financial advisor, and a fashion-forward accessory. As I often tell my clients: talk about pressure!  When we expect a human being to be our everything, we set them—and the relationship—up for failure. We have allowed the search for perfect to become the enemy of the good enough, forgetting that a lasting covenant is built on the grace we extend to one another’s imperfections, not the absence of them.

What Can We Do Differently?

If young people truly want to partner up—and the data suggests they do—we have to stop treating the ick as a stop sign. We must trade vibe-checking for value-checking. Pushing through the ick isn’t about lowering your standards; it’s about raising your dating resilience. It’s acknowledging that a person’s worth isn’t found in their footwear, but in their character, their kindness, and their willingness to show up for a fourth date.

To build that dating resilience, here are some practical tips to consider: 

1. Turn Inward

• Identify your attachment style. Reflect on what factors might be leading you to quickly call off the relationship, specifically thinking through your attachment style. For those with insecure attachment, the ick is most likely a self-protective mechanism. In other words, it’s not really about their socks, but rather your fear of being known and loved. 
   
• Get curious about your anxiety. Ask yourself, What really is bothering me or getting me nervous about this relationship? Is this truly a character flaw, or am I worried about how this person reflects on me or…? Sitting in discomfort and getting curious about what you’re feeling is a game changer.

• Recognize what you bring to the interaction. You are not a perfect, polished human being either! You have quirks, bad angles, and ick-worthy habits that a gracious partner will eventually have to overlook. Practice radical humility.

2. Choose Connection

• The 24-Hour Rule. Don’t make a relational decision in the heat of a moment, especially a “cringe” moment. Give your nervous system 24 hours to settle. Often, the ick is a quick, emotional reaction or a spike of social anxiety that fades, leaving room for the “sweet and simple” connection you enjoyed on the first two dates.
   
• Focus on Micro-Virtues. When the ick hits, intentionally pivot your focus. He wore socks with birks, yes—but did he listen intently? Is he consistent? Did he ask a follow up question? Engage your prefrontal cortex and actively weigh the “pillars” against the “vibes.”
   
• Embrace Radical Acceptance. Real love requires accepting a partner’s uncurated self. Radical acceptance means acknowledging that your partner is a person—not a project or a product. Accept them for who they are and choose love, over and over. (And remember, in a relationship, the only person you can truly change is yourself!)

In a culture that emphasizes performance and perfection, young people must be willing to be counter cultural and trade a perfect “vibe” for a real person. True intimacy is inherently messy and occasionally cringe. To find a lasting connection in a world of “icks,” we must be brave enough to be a little bit uncool. By pushing past the ick, we aren’t just saving a date—we are rebuilding the social fabric of commitment, one “unfashionable” third date at a time.

Andrea Gurney, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, professor of psychology at Westmont College, author of Reimagining Your Love Story: Biblical and Psychological Practices for Healthy Relationships, and creator of Marriage Bootcamp—a research-backed e-course designed to help couples strengthen their marriage.

*Photo credit: Shutterstock