Reclaiming the Truth About Marriage

“Where is there a Woman, who having generously trusted her liberty with a husband, does not immediately find the spaniel metamorphosed into a tiger, or has not reason to envy the lesser misery of a bond-slave to a merciless tyrant?”
― Lady Sophia Fermor

Equivocating marriage to prison or slavery is not a new sentiment, as demonstrated by this quote from an 18th-century feminist. A Baby Boomer might still refer to his wife as the “old ball and chain.” However, the sentiment that marriage is harmful to individuals has only grown in recent years. Simply opening TikTok reveals both feminists and "red-pillers” condemning marriage. Here are just two examples:

• One man explained his reasons why men should not get married and claimed that “until marriage laws change, there is no incentive for men to get married.”
• One woman explained her own reasons for discouraging women from getting married by citing celebrity marriages-gone-wrong, noting that getting married is not worth the chance of ending up in an unequal, disrespectful, or unloving relationship.

Proponents of this anti-marriage culture claim that the institution of marriage is an antiquated idea, essentially useless to modern men and women. In one article titled “Reasons why marriage is an outdated institution that doesn’t benefit most people,” the author, Monica Selo, claims that most people do not value marriage, that marriage is a method of control, and that many people only get married to be validated by society. Disinterest, skepticism, and even disdain toward the institution of marriage can be found across every social media platform.

In addition to this changing narrative around the usefulness of marriage, many young people today fear marriage because they come from a broken home and fear getting divorced themselves. I can relate to these fears. My parents divorced when I was 8, and my dad got divorced again when I was 19. This left me feeling extremely unconfident in my ability to create a healthy family in the future. Then, I got married at age 21, and by the age of 23, I was divorced, following my husband’s infidelity and abuse. I watched my husband transform from a spaniel into a tiger shortly after we said "I do." 

When my worst fears about marriage came to fruition, and I was left with crippling feelings of betrayal, it would have made sense for me to renounce the institution. But I still believe marriage is one of the most beautiful institutions and the single greatest commitment that a person can make in his or her lifetime. Let me explain why.  

A Good Marriage is a Gift

Some people have legitimate personal fears about marriage. For those who fear marriage because they fear divorce, it is important to note that divorce rates have actually been on the decline for decades. While it is true that there are many people who have experienced pain in their marriage, that does not mean that marriage as an institution is inherently flawed. The reality is that a good marriage is the best environment to raise kids, accumulate wealth, and experience personal well-being. 

The stability provided by marriage makes it the ideal relationship in which to raise children. Studies have repeatedly shown that children born into married households have better outcomes in education, delinquency, poverty, and overall well-being. Remaining single or in a cohabiting relationship while having kids is simply not the most beneficial place to raise a child. 

In addition, getting married is one of the best financial goals a young person can have. A comprehensive study of the economics of marriage found that married couples saved more, bought homes, and made more investments compared to their cohabitating counterparts. In fact, married participants increased their wealth by 16% each year they were married, while single participant’s wealth only grew by 8% over the same period of time. In total, the researchers found that married people almost doubled their wealth over the three decades of the study.

A good marriage can also lead to better health. One recent study even found that married individuals have lower levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, in their blood. Low levels of cortisol benefit immune functioning and inflammation, which means married people can recover from illnesses faster and experience less chronic pain/illness.

Lastly, a good marriage is a beautiful gift to individuals, families, and society. There is no choice more personally significant than committing to build a life with someone you love. Although imperfect, it remains the best environment for the development of children and the building of a lasting legacy. 

If we want the best for the young people in our lives, we should encourage them to strive for healthy relationships and to make choices that lead them closer to the goal of a healthy marriage.

Resisting Anti-marriage Culture

Considering the many benefits of marriage to individuals and society, how can we combat the anti-marriage culture and encourage young people to get married and start families? We can start by consuming media content that talks positively about marriage. Instead of reading books like Don’t Say I Do: Why Women Should Stay Single, we can learn from Get Married by IFS senior fellow Brad Wilcox, which explains why marriage is beneficial to individual happiness and a fundamental building block of a healthy society.

It is also important to seek education or therapy if we have experienced pain or fear towards relationships, including marriage. After my divorce, I could have become bitter or turned into a social recluse (as it often felt “safer” not to be around other people after such a betrayal). Instead, I invested my time in group and personal therapy to help address my complicated emotions toward relationships. I have also educated myself on what a healthy relationship looks like through my classes as I pursue my Marriage and Family Studies degree. However, one doesn’t need to get a college degree to educate oneself on what makes a healthy relationship. There are many good books that teach solid relationship skills. One book I read was, How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk, which synthesizes years of the latest research to help individuals break unhealthy dating patterns and choose the right person to marry. This book helped me identify the red flags that I missed and relationship boundaries that I was not using. It ultimately filled me with confidence that I could identify an emotionally mature partner and create a healthy marriage one day. 

To combat the flood of negative content about marriage online, we should seek to be advocates for an institution that positively impacts society. If we are fortunate enough to be in a good marriage, we should speak up about the positive effects of our marital relationship on our personal happiness and life goals. If we are not yet married, we should hold marriage as an ideal that we are striving for.

Most of all, we should encourage young people to strive for marriage at the right time to the right person. I wish I had internalized such guidance before making life-altering decisions from a place of fear. Although I am single right now, I am preparing to be married one day by dating intentionally, pursuing personal development, and practicing patience and hope. Whenever I feel discouraged or fearful, I still put myself out there and try to meet new people because I know that marriage is worth it. As a personal mentor always tells me, “Anything worthwhile is worth effort.”

If we want the best for the young people in our lives, we should encourage them to strive for healthy relationships and to make choices that lead them closer to the goal of a healthy marriage. Society will be more stable, children will be protected, and individuals will be more fulfilled if marriage once again becomes an ideal in our culture. We can and should empower the next generation with the truth about marriage, as well as the tools and confidence necessary to help marriage work for them. 

Rhiannon Gray is a senior studying Marriage and Family Studies at Brigham Young University-Idaho.