New Mothers Who Are Struggling Need Support, Not a Spotlight

‘I Regret Having Children.’ This was the title of a regrettable three-part series of mothers’ perspectives as told to a staff writer at The Cut. I read all three essays after seeing them splashed around on social media, but first, I had to step over some other unfortunate headlines including, “The Couples Breaking Up Over the Baby Decision,” and “Maybe Knowing Too Much About Motherhood Has Ruined Me.” All of which came out this week. Good grief, what is going on over there? 

Someone should pull the plug on that series. It is potentially the most exploitative piece of “journalism” I have ever read, if it can be called that. Here's why.

First, each mother is clearly suffering mentally. They all admit as much. The first woman had postpartum depression and is currently medicated for a different mental issue.

The second has a textbook case of postpartum anxiety. “When I went back to work,” she wrote, “I was paralyzed by anxiety. Driving down the expressway those first few weeks of work, I’d worry, What if something happens to my daughter?” She describes anxiety and depression as lifelong struggles. “But now, in motherhood,” she continues, “it’s chronic. I’ve never been this anxiety-ridden in my entire life.”

The third mother mentions lifelong body dysmorphia and depression issues and a current diagnosis of general and social anxiety along with potential neurodivergence.

These are women who are unwell and need love, support, and medical attention, not a microphone.

But on top of their mental health struggles, which they openly describe, they also had traumatic entries into motherhood. The first mother’s baby had colic, which has a well-documented short-term impact on the mental health of mothers. The second mother had pre and postpartum pregnancy complications, which she described as “so stressful, I cried every day.” The third’s body dysmorphia issues rendered her unable to leave the house. 

Frankly, their stories are tragic. They are also outliers. And publishing their narratives when they are clearly drowning in darkness and through one of the most difficult phases of parenthood seems outright abusive. 

Any conversation about boosting our birthrate must take a candid look at the inputs young women are getting on the topic.

Their stories belong anonymously in medical textbooks for case studies on postpartum anxiety and depression, not in the permanent archive of the internet for their children and grandchildren to read. Imagine being a child and reading that your parent once said this about your existence:

I was able to say to my husband, ‘Our life probably would have been better if we didn’t have kids.’ And he was like, ‘You know what? You might be right.’…I love our children and would never want them to think, Mom and Dad would be happier if I wasn’t here. I’m giving them the best life I can. But thinking about life without them, I’d be happier overall.

Or this:

If I could go back, I would redo everything. My fantasy is an alternate universe where I graduated, went straight to a doctorate program, and lived alone. I would go for walks whenever I wanted and go swimming at the end of the week. It would be an isolated life but a peaceful one. I’ve told my husband about these feelings, but he doesn’t get where I’m coming from.

At first, I hesitated to even bring more attention to this series. It almost feels immoral reading something that so obviously belongs between a suffering mother and her doctor, or her spiritual advisor, or her husband, or her own mother. The publisher of these stories knows they are clickbait. They know these women will be shamed. Yet they hung these women out to dry. 

As family policy writer Stephanie Murray recently wrote on X, 

I think there is something kind of sinister about showcasing moms who are actively struggling through the early and notoriously-often-very-difficult-especially-if-you-are-undersupported stages of motherhood in a piece supposedly about ‘parental regret.’

I agree. And these kinds of messages have a real-world impact that are part and parcel of our plummeting birth rate. As another woman wrote in a response to the series, 

Starting to think the plummeting birth rate might have something to do with millennial women being immersed in these ‘motherhood as identity annihilation’ narratives for the entirety of their fertile years. 

When I went to look up the articles in question, I was shocked to discover how many other pieces like it are out there. I stumbled across similar essays about parental regret in The New York Times, Buzzfeed, and The Guardian  without even trying. Imagine what the algorithm for young women considering motherhood looks like today!

Any conversation about boosting our birthrate must take a candid look at the inputs young women are getting on the topic. Regrettably, that now includes a whole trove of exploitative pieces on regret.

Parenthood is absolutely hard at times, and we should acknowledge that. Postpartum mental health struggles are real and beginning to get much more serious and merited attention. I struggled with both postpartum anxiety and depression on more than one occasion. Had someone asked me to write a piece for The Cut when I had a toddler and a baby at the same time, who knows what I would have said? But now, with nearly 14 years of motherhood and five children under my belt, I find myself very much in line with the recent Institute for Family Studies polling that finds that married mothers are the happiest cohort of women. I absolutely love being a mom, and I find that my family, apart from my faith, is my greatest source of meaning and purpose. I am so glad I listened to the older mothers in my life who encouraged me through the difficult years, and I am grateful to have avoided the toxic and anti-natalist pitfalls that abound. 

Truly helping young mothers doesn’t look like exploiting their suffering for clicks but rather pointing them to the reality that the hard work of motherhood will bear the fruits of lasting happiness.

Ashley E. McGuire is a Contributing Editor at the Institute for Family Studies and the author of Sex Scandal: The Drive to Abolish Male and Female (Regnery, 2017).