Memento Mori: Advice for Recent Graduates Headed into Fall

Legend has it that during the Roman military triumphal processions, the victorious general would ride through the streets of Rome dressed as the god Jupiter for the day. To ward off the jealousy of the gods, though, a lowly slave would stand behind him on his chariot and would whisper periodically in his ear: “memento mori,” remember that you are mortal. In other words, this moment may be the greatest achievement of your career so far, but don’t dwell on it too much, for you, too, will die. As it happens, I think this advice is not only key for Roman generals but also for modern-day graduates headed into the next phase of their lives. Let me explain.

A Season of Change

The late summer season is a liminal time of transition for graduates—those who have graduated from high school, college, professional schools, graduate schools, and so on. This time of year is also filled with much thought and planning about work and next steps as summer fades into fall. High school graduates spend the summer looking for jobs or planning for the beginning of college (or both), whereas graduates of medical school, law school, etc., are beginning their careers over the summer or will do so this fall—or will spend the next few months looking for a job. 

In other words, for the vast majority of grads, the seasons following graduation are rightly filled with thoughts of paid work. Bills are an integral part of adulting, after all, so finding a job to pay those bills is key. And work governs the rhythm of adult life for many people, as they work from 9 to 5. But for too many graduates I’ve met over the years, this focus on building a career squeezes out other important considerations—namely, the relational and spiritual aspects of life. Much of the time, it’s not exactly intentional. People move from high school to college or from their college town to wherever they get a job, and they lose ties with all their previous friends. Starting from scratch is difficult, especially if you had many previous friendships for your entire childhood, and now you’re suddenly separated by hours of driving time and will only see each other on breaks. Romantic relationships are often a casualty of these same geographic moves, and so are church connections. 

Statistics show that many students who faithfully attended church in high school dropped out in college simply because they moved. Likewise, I’ve met a number of young professionals who were involved in church in college but stopped going for a time after graduating for this same reason—they moved and didn’t get around to finding a new church. Sure, some young people just don’t have their act together, and this is true. But at the same time, many recent graduates often put the necessary effort into making sure they are prepared to take the next step professionally. Clearly, they can do hard things—and are capable of doing them well.

Getting Your Priorities Right

But too often, young people prioritize work in the future without giving nearly as much attention to other life concerns. Moving and new beginnings are stressful, so anything that does not seem essential often takes the back burner for a time. This lack of greater attention to relational matters is partly the result of cultural messaging that privileges “prioritizing money over marriage,” but it is also part and parcel of being young and believing there’s plenty of time in the future to worry about other things. It is easier to defer thinking about marriage and friendships and church if you think that you have all the time in the world. You can get to these other non-work-related things tomorrow or next week. Or maybe next year—that’s what New Year’s resolutions are for, right? In the meanwhile, you must focus on excelling at work, or else!

While work is important, so is flourishing in this new post-graduation season you are beginning. You cannot live this life well on your own.

But what many young people miss is that they do not have all the time in the world. Life speeds up during adulthood. It speeds up even more in middle age, it seems. And so, my favorite question to ask recent graduates, whether from high school or college, is: Where would you like to be in 10 years? I’ve been surprised just how many are taken aback by this question. Some admit to never having thought of their future plans in such concrete terms. A few, though, respond dreamily that they would like to be married and perhaps have some kids by then. At that point, I may follow up with another question: What are you doing right now to advance these goals? Because it is one thing for a single twentysomething to say that he or she would love to be married with kids a decade into the future. But if that young person is not in a relationship or dating, marriage will not just magically happen.

Don't Wait

Remembering our mortality and finitude is a key motivator, then, for pursuing these goals right away rather than thinking they can wait. Just like we are repeatedly told that career advancement will take hard work and a striving for excellence, the same is true in pursuing other key goals in life, including friendships and marriage. Besides, marriage and family really are wonderful gifts. Why defer the most enjoyable things in life while prioritizing career, something that will never love you back? By inadvertently deferring marriage, Leah Libresco Sargeant notes, you are only robbing yourself and your children of the additional years you could have had together, had you started a family younger. She encourages us to think of our lives and those of our children as overlapping ribbons. But the ribbons overlap much less, if one doesn’t become a parent until age 40, as opposed to 25. Furthermore, as Brad Wilcox has repeatedly shown, there are scientifically measurable benefits to marrying young—including to one’s mental and emotional well-being. 

And so, memento mori is really an exhortation to recent graduates to remember that while work is important, so is flourishing in this new post-graduation life that is beginning. You cannot live this life well on your own. You need friends who will rejoice with you over your victories and weep with you over the invariable losses you will face. You need the joy, community, and accountability that the local church provides. And you need the anchoring stability of a joyful marriage and family. The time to pursue these joys is now, so that a decade later, you will be glad you did. 

Nadya Williams is a homeschooling mother, Books Editor for Mere Orthodoxy, and the author of Cultural Christians in the Early Church, and Mothers, Children, and the Body Politic.

Editor's Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views, policies, or positions of the Institute for Family Studies.

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