Too Many Young Men Don’t Know How to Be a Gentleman

The evening of October 19, 2024, a 20-year-old woman known us as Jane Doe was in the Chi Phi fraternity at Cornell University. The woman alleges that over a period of several hours, seven different men sexually assaulted her while she was conscious but impaired by alcohol and ketamine. On September 16, 2026, the woman filed a complaint, suing the seven men as well as the fraternity, her sorority, and the university. 

The lawsuit has attracted a firestorm of national attention. Cornell University has announced that the university is hiring outside investigators to review its response to the case. New York Governor Kathy Hochul has appointed State Attorney General Letitia James as a special prosecutor in the case. 

Most of the outrage over this case has centered on the failure of the local district attorney to bring criminal charges against the men, and on Cornell’s response. I understand the outrage, and I share it. Even the accused men do not dispute that multiple strangers engaged in sexual acts with a woman who had been drinking, although they claim that everything was consensual.

But I think the anger misses a more fundamental question, which is: how is it possible that these men, all students at an Ivy League college, saw nothing wrong in taking sexual advantage of an intoxicated woman? 

Over the past 25 years, I have visited more than 500 schools. When I meet with students, the format is question and answer. I sometimes ask high schoolers whether they have seen the movie Superbad (most have seen it). I then show them a screenshot of a scene toward the end of the movie in which Evan (Michael Cera) is alone in a bedroom with his crush, Becca (Martha MacIsaac). Becca has taken off her blouse, as she prepares to engage in sexual activity with him. But Evan doesn’t want to—even though he is clearly attracted to her—explaining: “You’re really drunk.” In response, Becca mocks him.

I then ask the students, why doesn’t Evan want to have sex with Becca? “Because he knows she’s about to throw up,” is the most common answer I get. And in fact, Becca does throw up, which ends the scene. 

I explain to the students that Evan is trying to obey a rule from an earlier era, namely: A gentleman does not take advantage of a woman when she is drunk. Then I say, “Raise your hand if you have ever heard that rule.” In an auditorium of 400 students, typically only about three or four students will raise their hand. 

The most important question raised by the Cornell case is: why did none of the young men involved that night know and follow that rule? I would argue that these men didn’t know because we, as adults, have failed to teach them. And because they are immersed in a toxic culture that sends a very different message.

One of the most toxic messages comes from widespread pornography. Pornography today is more pervasive—and more violent. The average age of first exposure to online porn is about age 12. A recent IFS survey of young men found that 43% report watching porn daily or several times a week.

We should be teaching our boys that a good man does not take advantage of a woman when she is drunk or vulnerable.

Another study found that in the year 2000, 20% of the most popular porn videos featured violence against women; that figure has since climbed to 60 percent. Boys who watch violent porn are 10 times more likely to engage in coercive sex than boys who do not watch violent porn. Furthermore, a recent study found that 67% of college women reported being choked by a male partner during sex, and few of these men ask for consent; they just do it. 

Women are looking for men who will respect and protect them, not hurt them. As Wendy Wang, Director of Research at the Institute for Family Studies, reported on these pages, young women (ages 18-29) put a high value on finding a life partner who is “kind,” and 74% believe that “men should protect women.” Protect women from other men, I might add. But in a culture in which more than 60% of college women report being choked by young men, I think it’s clear that we are failing to raise the type of men that women are looking for. 

In a recent survey, single young women (ages 18 to 29) were asked whether they were interested in dating a man. Only 36% said yes. In my own practice as a family physician, I often encounter women who have “given up” on dating men. Scholars have coined the term “heteropessimism” to describe young people’s despair over modern dating and relationships. 

In the new edition of my book Boys Adrift, published last month, I note: “There is a darkness hidden in the heart of every boy which must never be forgotten.” Testosterone is the hormone that fuels the sex drive in men. It is also the hormone of aggression and violence. For a boy to become a good man, he must be taught how to govern himself—how to channel his sexual desire into romance rather than into violence. In short, how to be a gentleman. 

But we no longer do that. In fact, I find that many school leaders and even many parents I talk to today are uncomfortable with the word “gentleman.” Perhaps the word sounds old-fashioned.

Okay. But we should still teach boys the rules—with authority—especially that a good man does not take advantage of a woman when she is drunk or when she is vulnerable. 

When I meet with high school kids, I sometimes show them the music video for Chris Janson’s song “Drunk Girl,” where he sings: 

Take a drunk girl home
Let her sleep all alone
Walk out and lock the door
That’s how she knows the difference between a boy and man...

We need to inspire our boys to be better men. That’s what those Cornell men needed and apparently never received. And it’s what all our boys need to learn. 

Leonard Sax MD PhD is a family physician, psychologist, and author of the new edition of Boys Adrift.

Editor's Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views, policies, or positions of the Institute for Family Studies.

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