Reframing the Work-Motherhood Tension

In the past few years, there’s been a discussion about whether, and how much, mothers of young children should work outside the home. There are many who argue that women’s professional ambitions should shrink, or at the very least wait a few years, when they start having children.

One ideology that champions stay-at-home motherhood is the so-called “anti-feminist” school of thought, espoused by many socially conservative journalists, academics, and social scientists. And there are many others who rely on data and statistics to prove that the superior choice for a family is to commit to living on one income and that one parent (typically and for many valid reasons, the mother) should agree to forego a career indefinitely while raising children. 

As a woman who has always worked outside the home in some capacity since having children, I am naturally tempted to bristle at such findings, whether opinion-based or empirical. But it’s hard to deny the validity of the single thread running through all of the commentary about the importance of present mothers: Of course nothing is more important or valuable than raising children. One of the primary motives undergirding the debates about whether mothers should work outside the home—the good of children and families—is a cause that most can agree is worth investing in.

It’s true that children benefit from the maternal presence, particularly between ages zero and three. And few would deny that full-time homemakers provide tremendous value to society or that it is indeed possible for a mother to overzealously protect her career when the demands of home require more of her time, energy, and attention. 

Yet I don’t believe we need to pit the two pursuits against each other. I’ve come to view them as ultimately directed toward the same fundamental end. For me, work and homemaking are not diametrically opposed. Rather, both are ordered toward serving, supporting, and nurturing the family. 

The Ordering of Goods

Although I enjoy my work, precious few would contend it is more important than raising, nurturing, and forming my children. I wouldn’t say so myself. I’ve discerned that, at least in this season, pursuing income-generating work is a part of—an extension of—my caregiving and homemaking responsibilities as a mother. 

For many, choosing to work outside the home while also welcoming a child or children is not a matter of weighing priorities and subordinating a primary good (raising children) to a secondary one (working). Rather, as legal scholar and mother of many Erika Bachiochi explained in a recent panel, income-generating work and childrearing can intertwine so that all become a part of the vital work of homemaking. In describing the ecosystem of her home life with many young children, she explained:

the duties I had at home and the duties I had out in the world with my work, the work of the home and professional work—that they weren’t at all divided, that there was a deep integration. Because . . . I saw them both as fodder for love of God and others.

Bachiochi went on to discuss the concept of “the duty of the moment,” an internal posture that involves carefully discerning, then responding to present needs, mostly (usually!) at the expense of our own self-involved motives. For Bachiochi, work often was the duty of the moment, and responding to it, rather than signaling distance or absence to her children, modeled a certain well-formed obedience:

Sometimes my work actually is the duty of the moment. Like this call. There were other things that people in this house wanted me to do, but this was the duty of the moment because I had it scheduled. And there are times when I will have to put aside work—even as someone who’s working pretty close to full-time—because a child needs me.

Viewed through this lens, work and homemaking responsibilities need not conflict, and work can operate much like other things mothers do by necessity. Caring for a friend, neighbor, or extended family member in need, for instance, takes time and energy away from the family and home. So, too, do caretaking responsibilities for elderly parents and charitable work that directly impacts the community. Not to mention the day-to-day labor of running a household and sustaining those within it—cooking, laundry, cleaning. 

What if the responsibilities that pull us outside of the home are not in tension with the roles we have within it, but actually are like fuel that spurs us forward in our drive to create a home, a life, a family, that is good? 

These tasks functionally and by necessity take time away from engaging with one’s children. And yet, most would deem these activities valuable enough to do so. More importantly still, we would not say these outwardly-focused acts are “in tension” with childrearing. More likely, we would applaud those who engage in this type of meaningful work and point out that it’s all a part of the greater goal, the bigger picture, the end: human flourishing.

Some social science research can be interpreted to suggest that when it comes to spending time with our children, it’s quantity, not quality, that matters, but I think we need more nuance, and I believe the scholars doing this research would agree. All of us would do well to parse their findings and ensure we fully understand them. What we ought to be asking then is how, in the great mosaic of priorities that shape the home and family, a mother’s income-generating work contributes to that ultimate end of everyone’s flourishing.

Discerning how to order secondary goods in service of the primary goods will always fall flat when that discernment process is reduced to a pro-con list, a lifeless weighing of priorities. Isolating the factors (more money for private school! Mom getting to stay in the workforce! Dad not carrying the burden of being the sole breadwinner!) will not suffice. Ordering goods looks more like identifying the various duties that pull at our sleeves and deciding which require our focused attention in a given time. 

This is not to say that there is “no wrong answer” when it comes to how to structure work, spouses’ responsibilities, or division of labor. Many of us know the ideal involves as much of the maternal presence as possible. So how can we creatively arrange our lives to bring about the very good that ideal arrangement is meant to draw forth?

For some families, that great game of Tetris that is arranging everyone’s priorities and needs will involve some level of work outside the home. And for some, it won’t. Individual persons, parents, and spouses together are the only ones who can assess whether the secondary goods supporting the primary good of their family’s flourishing are ordered properly. They can be just as disordered working a flexible, part-time job as they can for a professional who works full-time outside the home. If the disposition driving the decision is unhealthy, so, too, will be the fruits.

Whole Persons

One’s duty of the moment might well involve far more hours spent tending to children than it will for someone else. 

I recently spoke with a friend who’s a working mother of several young children. Having known her for many years, I’ve borne witness to the fruits of her efforts in managing both her household and career, seeing tremendous growth in both. 

As she described it to me, “There’s no divide [between my work and my home life]”; the rules of both realms “inform each other.” She went on to explain that because we are whole persons, attempting to compartmentalize our responsibilities is futile. Virtue in one context can foster its formation in the other. As Bachiochi explained, all can be “fodder for love of God and others.” In my friend’s particular example, her work’s deadlines pushed her to impose more structure in her household, which improved everyone’s day-to-day lives. 

This is but one anecdotal example. And this essay is not meant to be a litany of the benefits of working motherhood. But I think if we see work as just one of many things that form us morally and intellectually, it starts to look far less like something that detracts from the more important, more desirable work of the home. What if the responsibilities that pull us outside of the home are not in tension with the roles we have within it, but actually are like fuel that spurs us forward in our drive to create a home, a life, a family, that is good? 

Ultimately, there is no battle of priorities. For those fortunate enough to have families, the care of our children is the most important one. The more interesting question to consider is whether I am ordering my life in a way that makes me a better parent, caretaker, and moral teacher of my children—and as a whole, flourishing person?

Alexandra Macey Davis is the managing editor of Public Discourse. Her own writing has appeared in Coffee + Crumbs, The Federalist, Plough, FemCatholic, and more, and she writes a Substack letter called Chrism + Coffee, a call to find meaning in the sacramental and the ordinary.

Editor's Note: This article appeared first at Verily magazine and has been reprinted here with permission.