- Most people blame their exes, not themselves, for their divorce. Tweet This
- Many marriages end when women become fed up with men behaving badly. Tweet This
What reasons do people give for divorcing? This is a different, simpler question than why marriages fail. In this post, I’m exploring the reasons people give about why they divorced by reviewing research reports that have addressed this question.1 The five reports I mention rely on a variety of methods and types of samples, yet yield similar answers across different samples, methods, and eras.
In a 2003 study, Paul Amato and Denise Previti used data from the “Marital Instability Over the Life Course” project, which is based on a national survey of men and women in 1980 and 1997.2 Those who divorced were asked, “What do you think caused the divorce?” The open-ended responses were coded into categories, with the top reasons for divorcing being:
- Drinking or drug use
- Growing apart
In 2001, a group of family scholars, including myself, conducted a large, random, statewide phone survey in Oklahoma.3 We interviewed over 2000 people and asked those who had been divorced to choose among nine “major” reasons for divorcing, with the list being developed by the researchers ahead of time, based on our knowledge of the literature. The top three reasons people gave were:
- A lack of commitment
- Too much conflict or arguing
- Infidelity or extramarital affairs
These reasons were followed by “getting married too young,” “little or no helpful premarital preparation,” and “financial problems or economic hardship.” The reports of marrying too young likely overlap with the general category of incompatibility, since this is one of the risks of marrying very young: people often do not know themselves or what they expect and desire in a mate at age 18. Amato and Previti presenting findings in support of this point, finding that incompatibility was more commonly reported as a reason for divorce among those who had married young than those who had married when a little older.
Infidelity is on both lists covered so far (and on every list coming up). Clearly, that is a sub-category of commitment problems, so commitment is a major theme in both reports I’ve mentioned thus far. For some, infidelity is the main reason their marriage ended, and for others, infidelity is something that happened at the end of years of other problems, such as nasty conflicts, incompatibility, and substance abuse.
I Blame You
Amato and Previti found that more people blamed their ex for their marriage ending (33%) than blamed themselves (5%). Similarly, in the report from the survey in Oklahoma, we found that most people (73%) believed that they had worked hard enough on their marriage but that their ex-spouse should have worked harder (74%). As in Amato and Previti, we see that most people who have divorced believe their ex is more to blame.
Reasons for Divorce and Final Straws
A study published in 2013 by Shelby Scott, Galena Rhoades, Scott Stanley, Elizabeth Allen, and Howard Markman used a multi-year, longitudinal sample of couples marrying who participated in premarital preparation between the years 1995 and 2001 through their religious organizations.4 After following this sample for many years, the team contacted those who had divorced and interviewed those who responded (52 respondents) about their reasons, using the same list used by Johnson and colleagues. These data are less representative than other samples I cite here, but what the study lacked in sample size may be made up for in the depth of information. Researchers asked respondents not only about the major cause of divorce but also about the “final straw.” The top reported reasons for divorce were:
- Lack of commitment
That list looks pretty familiar, right? The most common final straws were:
- Domestic violence
- Substance abuse
Scott and colleagues made an important distinction in that the reasons why a marriage declines, leading to an end, can be different from what finally breaks the back of one continuing. And when it comes to deciding a marriage is over, women are more likely than men to say it’s done (found by Amato and Previti and many others). In both Amato and Previti’s study, and in the report by Johnson and colleagues, women were more likely than men to report a marriage ending because of abuse. I recall a talk by Amato, years ago, where he noted that, on average, many marriages end when women become fed up with men behaving badly. Clearly, plenty of women behave badly also, as many divorced men will attest. Nevertheless, it is a common scenario where one partner (more often the man) exhibits behavior that the other partner (more often the woman) finally decides is too much to bear. In his talk, Amato described the same deal breakers identified by Scott and colleagues as final straws. Similarly, Johnson and colleagues reported the top reasons men and women gave for divorcing and found that the answers were mostly the same except that women were far more likely (44%) than men (8%) to report that domestic violence was a major reason for the split.
For some, infidelity is the main reason their marriage ended, and for others, infidelity is something that happened at the end of years of other problems, such as nasty conflicts, incompatibility, and substance abuse.
In 2004, AARP put out a report based on a large, national survey of older adults, aged 40 and up, on reasons for the divorces they experienced in their 40s, 50s, or 60s. The survey appears to be representative and used excellent methods.5 Cutting to the chase (because time is of the essence when you are older), people reported these top reasons for divorcing:
- Abuse: verbal, physical, or emotional
- Differing values and lifestyles
Runner up was “simply falling out of love/no obvious problems.” So, the older set, who now account for a lot of divorce,6 give reasons for divorce that are very similar to the reasons found in the other reports covered here.
In a study published in 2012, Alan Hawkins, Brian Willoughby, and William Doherty (2012)7 reported reasons for divorce in the only study I cover here that was not retrospective. As part of the extensive work that Bill Doherty, Steven Harris, and colleagues have been doing about the possibility of reconciliations after filing—but before finalizing—divorce, Hawkins, Willoughby, and Doherty reported reasons people gave for ending a marriage within a sample of 886 individual parents who were in the process of divorcing. These parents were involved in mandated parenting classes as part of the legal system in Hennepin County, Minnesota. They found the two most common reasons for divorcing to be:
- Growing apart
- Not being able to talk together
People who were the least likely to entertain putting the brakes on a divorce reported growing apart, differences in tastes, and money problems. In an interesting twist, given the other findings noted here, abuse and infidelity were not reasons for divorcing that were associated with how much interest someone had in potentially reconciling the marriage.
Having My Baby: Or Not
There is a lot of consistency across these studies but might there be other reasons emerging as the deal breakers in the current era? While not a study, Vicki Larson (@OMGchronicles) recently tweeted about the observations of attorneys in a New York Post piece suggesting that conflicts over having children have become a major cause of divorce. Both I (@DecideOrSlide) and Nicholas Wolfinger (@nickwolfinger) tweeted that we did not know of research supporting this point. Nevertheless, Larson and I agreed that this is likely to be a growing reason for divorcing. I believe this to be the case for two reasons.
First, I think people are more likely than ever before to slide into important relationships—including marriage and parenting—without making clear decisions about a future together. That means more and more relationships that are poorly vetted. (In fact, if you are single and want more advice on this, try this article.)
Second, incompatibility has often been given as a reason for divorcing, and different family aspirations could easily become a major driver in this category as having children has become less of a default expectation in marriage. Whether or not two spouses were likely to be good parents, or to attempt to be, most married couples in the past had children. Now, like everything else, this is much less a given and much more a (potential) negotiation (when not a slide).
It Takes Two to Tango
While no one can anticipate all the changes and circumstances that will impact a marriage in the future, singles interested in marriage do well to make the best choices they can at the start in preparing for a successful marriage (read more, here). And those who are married and happy who want to avoid divorce in the future have ways to strengthen and build on what they have (read more, here.) We all know that it takes two people to make a good marriage last. One person cannot make it happen without the other person also being willing to invest and grow. As mentioned already, it’s easiest after the fact for each individual to believe that their ex is the one who failed the dance. But to make a marriage last, it’s going to work best if each spouse is focused on the mantra my colleague Howard Markman and I push: “do your part.”
I am sure there are other studies bearing on this subject, but it is obvious that there is a convergence in reasons people give for their marriages ending. The individual stories will be varied and complex but the basic themes remain: broken hearts and deal breakers.
Scott M. Stanley is a research professor at the University of Denver and a fellow of the Institute for Family Studies.
1. This is not intended to be a systematic review. It is a brief review based on the studies I know about.
2. Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People's reasons for divorcing. Journal of Family Issues, 24, 602-626.
3. Johnson, C. A., Stanley, S. M., Glenn, N. D., Amato, P. A., Nock, S. L., Markman, H. J., & Dion, M. R. (2002). Marriage in Oklahoma: 2001 baseline statewide survey on marriage and divorce (S02096 OKDHS). Oklahoma City, OK: Oklahoma Department of Human Services.
4. Scott, S. B., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Allen, E. S., & Markman, H. J. (2013) Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 2(2), 131-145.
5. The work was conducted by Knowledge Networks, which is a sign of typically excellent survey methods.
6. Brown, S. L., & Lin, I. (2012). The gray divorce revolution: Rising divorce among middle-aged and older adults, 1990-2010. Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences & Social Sciences, 67(6), 731-741.
7. Hawkins, Willoughby, & Doherty (2012). Reasons for divorce and openness to marital reconciliation. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 53, 453–463.; See also Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wickel Didericksen, K. (2016) A typology of attitudes toward proceeding with divorce among parents in the divorce process. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 57(1), 1-11.