Why We Are Doing All We Can to Increase Our Kids' Chances of Marital Success

It’s a hot summer day, and my six kids have just finished their morning routines. The three youngest have completed 15 minutes of Spanish Duolingo, a Math IXL lesson, 10 minutes of summer reading, room inspection, and breakfast dishes. Our eldest two have driven off in the old minivan to their sports practices and babysitting. The doorbell rings, and the daily posse of neighborhood boys has arrived, an Asian-American and three blue-eyed blondie brothers on their bikes, ready to play with my fun-loving 15-year-old son. They pet the dog and tear downstairs to the basement to play ping pong, talk smack, and freak each other out playing hide and seek in the dark. I close my door to work, doing my best to focus on the edits to a book manuscript. A middle daughter interrupts my flow with a soft knock to ask if she can walk down to Starbucks with a friend. I watch out the window nostalgically as they go. This is the life for me. (And them!)

My husband and I are Latin Americans. He’s an architect, and I’m a political philosopher, and we consider ourselves to be extraordinarily fortunate. We are part of an upper-class network of well-educated, religious, neo-traditional families, who balance parenthood and careers, private life and public life, work and play,  worship and prayer—while in the company of many like-minded families and friends who find deep meaning, joy, and adventure in living family-focused lives. 

A friend recently sent me an article from The Atlantic by Stephanie H. Murray, who pointed to a Pew survey that found “most parents do not consider it important” whether their kids marry and have children, whereas a great majority (88%) think it is important “for their children to be financially independent and have jobs or careers they enjoy.” 

That may be the majority opinion, but as a member of the minority, I would like to shed some light on why and how some of us are trying hard to maximize the chances that our children will have great marriages—and grandchildren, too.

1. Walking the Walk. All the families in my network have prioritized being “pro-kid,” meaning, open to having several children, and setting up their home and family life in ways that are kid-friendly. The mothers were open to having multiple children, and the fathers to being strong breadwinners. We do not have museum houses, but well worn, beautiful spaces where our children can play, study, socialize, and help with the chores. All the mothers in my social network are either stay-at home, or work quarter-to-part time, doing their best to be with their kids more hours each day than they are away from them. This, we believe, permits us to learn greater patience, discipline, and mentoring skills for our children. Fathers do their best to curb excessive time at work, and try to be home in time to play with the kids, sit for dinner, and help with evening routines. On weekends, Dad takes Mom out on a date, the kids go to church youth groups, and the family attends religious services. On a weekly basis, we make time to “life coach” our children individually, getting to know each one’s quirks and what each one needs. I see the fruits of these relational investments in myriad ways, most evidently in peaceful marriages and joyful, well-adjusted kids. We hope that prioritizing marriage and family relationships rubs off on our kids so that one day they pay it forward and create kid-friendly homes. 

2. Talking the Talk. We talk about dating and marriage a lot. We share stories about old boyfriends and girlfriends and why they weren’t good marriage partners; reflect on what qualities to look for in a romantic friend; and what characters to avoid at all costs. We have dinner conversations about why certain marriages failed around us, and what couples we greatly admire. We emphasize that you don’t have to be married to live a good life, but that we only find real maturity, meaning, and joy when give our lives in the service of others, especially the most vulnerable. For most people, the best path to that goal is marriage. “A good marriage is a gift to society,” we tell our children, “your project for the world.” 

3. A Strategic Plan. Once kids start having crushes (usually, middle school), we talk about romantic attraction as a foreshadowing of marital love. They ask about their friends’ behaviors at school, we exchange ideas dialectically, considering what they think, but setting some parameters for their choices, so they can navigate the social landscape with assistance. Much the same way modern parents have a game plan for their kids’ sports trajectories in high school, hoping they might have the privilege of a great college scholarship or even professional career, we have a roadmap for dating that begins in 7th and 8th grade and sets their sights high. This way, each kid is incrementally prepared to interact with the opposite sex, be civil, and learn through trial and error how to be a good guest, respectful dance partner, date, and eventually, boyfriend or girlfriend. All the while, our kids are being coached behind the scenes by us, which also requires us to respect their freedom to date whom they believe is best, and give them space to learn from the experience (here is the basic plan we recommend to our kids, though we customize it for each child). 

4. Financial Literacy. Like the majority of parents polled, the parents I know also hope that their kids will find meaningful work and earn a good living. But the difference is that the pursuit of a good income, home, and career is framed as a means to the end of caring for others and sharing one’s riches, first in one’s own family, and then outward, toward those in need. This education often begins in middle or high school for our family, when we obligate our teens to get small jobs, help pay for things, and share their money with others. Once our 18-year-olds begin to consider their college options, we often explain the reality of student loans, how savings and investments work, and what kind of income they might need to start a family someday. This helps our young adults get grounded in financial realty and into a marriage-mindset as they make career choices down the line.

These are just a few ways that the parents in our social networks are helping put their children on a path to marital success. It’s a far cry from the 19th Century practices of Jane Austen’s Mrs. Bennett, but we are not agnostic about our children’s marriage prospects, either. We understand that not all our kids will choose marriage and that things do not always work out even if they do. And we respect and celebrate their freedom to find other ways to live in service and love for others. But there’s no denying that a peaceful marriage and a houseful of raucous, fascinating, (and at times frustrating) kids are an amazing path to happiness, and we want our kids to have a good shot at achieving this part of the American dream. 

Ana Samuel, PhD, is Research Scholar at the Witherspoon Institute, in Princeton, New Jersey, and the Academic Director of CanaVox.