What Responsibility Do Parents Have For Their Children's Mental Health?

The recent verdict in the Ethan Crumbly case, where Ethan's mother, Jennifer, became the “first parent to be held criminally responsible for a mass shooting committed by their child,” sets a legal precedent that should have been set long ago. The neglect of both Crumbly parents regarding their child’s suffering and refusal to take responsibility for providing their son with weapons resulted in the injury and deaths of other children. The days of denying the mental health crises in children have passed. Parents must be vigilant regarding their children’s emotional well-being. Children’s mental health issues are not isolated, arbitrary, or disconnected from their parents but are often the result of the misguided or neglectful or sometimes abusive relationships children have with their mothers and fathers. 

The Crumbly case exemplifies this stark reality. Ethan was not only a product of his mental distress but also of his parents' neglect and failure to address his needs. Their inability to provide him with the necessary support and to adequately secure their firearms ultimately contributed to the devastating outcome. This case serves as a poignant reminder of the crucial role parents play in their children's mental well-being and the dire consequences that can arise from neglecting this responsibility.

There is a sentiment amongst many of the parents who come to see me for parental guidance that children are the problem. “Fix my child,” many of them tell me. Many parents can’t see how their behavior, parenting style, or mental health issues may be impacting their children’s mental stability. The rise of medication as a treatment for depression, anxiety, and ADHD puts the burden on the child. If a child’s pain is medicated away, then it is often unnecessary to address the parent’s part in a child’s mental state. As a psychoanalyst who treats families, I will never treat a child or young adolescent without treating the parents, too. According to the CDC, 1 in 14 children has a caregiver with poor mental health. It is usually the parents who need the treatment as opposed to the child, who is merely the barometer of how the family is doing.

It is every parent’s responsibility to raise their children with sensitive empathic nurturing, to be as emotionally and physically present for their children as possible, and to help regulate their children’s emotions when they experience pain, rejection, and disappointment, because pain and suffering are inevitable in the experience of growing up. Parents do not have a responsibility to protect children from all pain, but they should not be the source of pain and should help their children process when pain comes from the environment. 

A real-life example of this would be if a child comes from a family that is nurturing and present but who is being bullied at school or online. Parents cannot prevent everything painful from happening, but they can help children to cope with adversity. Ethan Crumbly was a symptom of his parents’ negligence, but he was also a clear example of a child in pain, begging for help from parents who did not help him cope with his distress.

Many parents who read this may indeed respond by saying that there are not enough mental health care services in our communities, and if it exists, it is oversubscribed and too expensive. This is correct; however, the first line of defense for a child who may be homicidal or suicidal is an emergency room that exists in every community and is available to everyone. What stops most parents from rushing their child to an emergency room is often guilt, denial, or fear of confronting the part they may play in their child’s mental state.

The Crumbly decision should dramatically alter the way we perceive mental illness in children, the responsibility of parents as both causes and solutions to their children’s distress, and how we treat the easy access of emotionally unstable children and adolescents to guns. We have been here so many times before with school shootings by adolescent perpetrators as a regular occurrence in the United States; yet, for the first time, this case may help to hold a mirror up to parents when their children are suffering and need help. My professional advice: Don’t walk but run to an emergency room if you suspect your child may have suicidal or homicidal fantasies or thoughts. The future of all our children may depend upon it.

Erica Komisar, LCSW is a psychoanalyst and author of Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters and Chicken Little The Sky Isn't Falling: Raising Resilient Adolescents in the New Age of Anxiety.

Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or views of the Institute for Family Studies.