What Happens to Love?

When the church where my wife and I got married asked me to take over teaching their marriage preparation program 20 years ago, I feared—given the divorce rate—that I would be meeting with engaged couples all the time who shouldn’t be getting married.

What I didn’t expect was the phone call I soon received, “Peter, we see in the church bulletin you teach our marriage preparation program,” a man’s voice said. “We’re in our 60s and we’ve been married for 35 years. Is it too late for us to take your program?”

At the time, I was newly married myself and fresh into the “marriage coaching” business. I assumed if a couple was married for 35 years and needed help, they must have deep problems. I told them I wasn’t sure I could help them but there was no harm in talking.

The husband and wife were the very picture of elegance as they sat across from me. I remember thinking, “How is it possible there is not a wrinkle in their clothing, a hair out of place?” But I could see the desperation in their eyes.

The husband spoke first. He shared they had gotten busy with work and raising their children and had drifted apart for 30 years—“and we didn’t even realize it.” He added they had been living like strangers for several years now “and we just can’t take it any longer.”

He then stretched his arms out wide and asked me, “How can we be this unhappy if there is nothing this wrong? We don’t have financial issues. We don’t have drinking problems. We’ve been faithful.”

I have heard variations of this question many times since then. And it’s not just the long-married who wonder where their love has gone.

Recently, I met with a newly married couple. Both had advanced degrees and great jobs. Their first question for me was: “We just had a big fight over parsley. How is that even possible to have a big fight over parsley?” They had no idea!

He had taken off early from work to prepare her favorite meal for a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner at home. He shopped for the best ingredients and was hard at work in the kitchen when she came home. He was on his way to the trash with the excess parsley when she cried out, “Don’t throw out the parsley!” This led to a blow-out fight.

She then shared that on their first Valentine’s Day as a couple, he had accidentally almost killed her beloved cat, but she had been okay with that because, she put it, “I liked him.” She asked me, completely bewildered, “How can I be [fine] with him almost killing my cat, and then a few short years later be fighting with him about parsley?”

One of the things I have learned from working with more than 5,000 couples over the past 20 years is that these two couples are not alone. Almost none of my struggling couples know the real reason they are unhappy.

Enter the research on marriage. Just as there is a math to music, it turns out there is a math to marriage. These two couples found themselves on the wrong side of the math.

Almost none of the struggling couples I've worked with know the real reason they are unhappy.

Famed marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman found that our happiness in marriage is determined by the ratio of positive to negative interactions in our relationship. When positivity is high and negativity low, we look forward to seeing each other and are quick to forgive the little problems that often arise. When negativity overshadows positivity, that’s when couples get into trouble.

There are three separate, surprising ratios that are quite instructive regarding what couples need to do if they want a happy marriage. Dr. Gottman is best known for his ratio that when couples are in conflict positivity should outnumber negativity at least 5:1. The key phrase: “when in conflict.” Is it even possible for couples to be that positive when they are angry at each other? Yes! My wife and I learned to call time outs—with laughter and affection—and we made a commitment to be constructive and cheerful when we talk about our problems.

In doing so, we are keeping our promise to love each other “in good times and in bad.” Who knew the secret to a happy marriage was to be found in our wedding vows?

What about the normal humdrum of everyday married life? Here’s a ratio that Dr. Gottman has been shy about advertising because it seems more than impossible. In everyday life, to be happy, a couple needs to be 20 times more positive than negative: 20:1!

Can a marriage be that positive? Yes! Couples can learn to cultivate a “rhythm of positivity” by starting every day with a positive connection, greeting every day with a positive connection, and ending every day with a positive connection. These key moments set the tone for the entire day.

Dr. Gottman’s third instructive ratio is that divorce becomes more likely than not when the ratio of positivity to negativity falls below 0.8:1. This explains how couples can be “this unhappy when there is nothing [that] wrong.” Even with little negativity in a marriage, a couple can divorce because there is not enough positivity. 

That elegant couple called me four days after I met with them to tell me they were happy again. They had allowed decades to pass without making time for each other—and it had been years since they had expressed any enthusiasm for the other’s presence in their life—but with little wrong with their marriage, they were able to quickly get the loving feeling back by embracing a playful greeting ritual I shared with them. They started barking at each other like dogs overjoyed their owners are finally home.

The parsley couple? I asked them if they had connected in the morning. They hadn’t. Had they touched base during the day? Too busy for that. Had she thanked him for leaving work early to prepare her favorite dinner? No. Miss all these opportunities during the day to cultivate joy in your marriage, and you will find yourself fighting over parsley at night.

I urge my couples to give each other the gift of a joyful marriage every day. Dr. Gottman’s ratios have taught me that peace is not enough for a happy marriage. Positivity is required—a lot of positivity. Couples can learn to be positive every day by committing to daily habits of being positive. We can learn to be positive even when we are upset with each other.

My initial fears were wrong. I have met very few couples who aren’t right for each other. I firmly believe, after meeting with thousands of couples these past 20 years, that most couples are capable of a happy marriage. We just need to learn what we need to do—be positive and limit negativity—and then we need to do it.

Peter McFadden, a New York-based marriage coach, blogs on marriage at MarriageFun101.com.