The Best Gift For Friends and Family Who Struggle at Christmas Isn't Always Holiday Cheer

Although it is expected that everyone finds joy in the holidays, the reality is quite a different story. No matter which one we celebrate, whether Christmas, Chanukah, or Kwanza, the holidays are traditionally a time to be together with family and those we love. For many of my patients who may not be part of a family or who are estranged from them, this time of year can be a time of loneliness, melancholy, and mourning. For those who have lost loved ones or have suffered from past trauma, the holidays can feel like being left out of a party that everyone else is invited to attend.

As a therapist, I have always been sensitive to the holidays and their impact on those who are suffering from grief, depression, or loneliness. Even when life is going well and a person has a loving family to celebrate with, the holidays can also mark the passing of time and the inevitability of loss. Loving is a contract with vulnerability, and for those who have suffered losses, that contract feels quite real.

Jane, a 35-year-old single woman who lost both parents within a year of one another when she was in her 20s and who is now estranged from her siblings, shared that the slew of Christmas cards she receives from friends vacationing in beautiful places or wearing their Sunday best huddled together and looking extraordinarily happy makes her feel sad and isolated, rather than cheerful. Jane is not the only one. Often, my patients who are struggling to find love, or who in the middle of a breakup or divorce, or who have lost their parents will describe how envious they feel when they receive those well-intended holiday greetings. Social media can make this even worse, as we compare our lives and family celebrations to the carefully-curated images of happiness and perfection that others post online. 

I have always been fascinated by the tears everyone sheds when the bride walks down the aisle at a wedding. As a child, I remember asking my mom “Why is everyone crying if it’s such a happy occasion?” My mom replied, “They are all just so happy.”  That never made much sense to me until my rabbi spoke of how weddings are bittersweet: they bring both joy and happiness to the couple who are tying the knot but also are a time of reflection on the passing of time for the parents of the bride and groom: a moment in time that will never come again, and the loss of the sweet vulnerability of childhood dependency, which is replaced by the independence of adulthood. Thus, in every happy celebratory moment, there is an understanding that sadness is a part of happiness.  

Holidays are no different. Even if you grew up in a loving family and you remember them with sweet reminiscence, the holidays might be a time when you reflect on the absence of those who have passed away or live too far to visit. And when you didn’t grow up in a loving, stable family but an abusive or negligent one, or if there was a tragedy, mental illness, or abandonment, then the holidays can be an especially painful time. 

During the holiday season, as many of us celebrate with those we love, it’s important to remember there are many others in our midst for whom the holidays are not a happy time. The greatest gift we can give those we care about is our sensitivity. Instead of forcing holiday cheer on others, we should first ask how the holidays affect them. Read their social and non-verbal cues and try to reflect whatever their feelings and their personal experience may be. In doing so, we may find that our understanding and empathy bring more cheer than Christmas carols, mistletoe, or latkes.

Erica Komisar, LCSW is a psychoanalyst and author of Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters and Chicken Little The Sky Isn’t Falling: Raising Resilient Adolescents in the New Age of Anxiety.