Marriage Education Is For Parents, Too

My career as a New York-based marriage coach has given me an interesting vantage point on the lifecycle of a marriage. I got my start more than 20 years ago when the church where my wife and I got married asked us to take over teaching their marriage preparation program. 

There is great value in preparing couples for marriage before they tie the knot. Couples that I counseled during their engagement will sometimes reach out to me more than a decade later to share they still practice the advice I gave them every day.

But I have had many more couples—full of cheer when we first met—return for help when they found themselves drowning amidst the often-overwhelming demands of married life. When I ask these couples what’s wrong, they will share a few problems, but they invariably end with, “and we have a baby.”

These couples are not alone in their struggles. In a study conducted by marriage therapist Dr. John Gottman, he found that “67% of couples experienced a precipitous decline in relationship satisfaction in the first 3 years of the baby’s life.” Precipitous!

And it’s not just parents who are hurting; their children are hurting, too. Marriage difficulties have been “linked to negative childhood outcomes including depression, withdrawal, poor social competence, and conduct-related disorders.” Not good!

In addition to premarital counseling, we need to find creative ways to provide couples with marriage education when they need it most—in the thick of parenting. And we should be firm in our knowledge that when we help parents with their relationship, we are helping their children, too.

Here are some ideas on how institutions can be part of the solution:

• Many religions have ceremonies linked with the birth of a child. Parents presenting their children for baptism or a similar rite could be asked to take a marriage class.

• Hospital birthing centers could offer relationship advice/support in addition to the birthing classes they already provide.

• Libraries could sponsor book clubs for new and expecting parents to read Dr. Gottman’s excellent book — written with his wife Julie — And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives. 

• Schools can sponsor evenings where parents can learn the best advice for keeping their marriages strong amidst the heavy demands of parenting. They’ll discover their students will behave better if their parents are getting along.

• Our social service agencies should embrace relationship education as a fundamental aspect of their mission. When families ask for assistance with housing and food, they can also be provided with basic information on how to communicate more effectively. 

Marriage education for parents does not have to be complicated or take a lot of time out of a family's already busy schedule. Dr. Gottman found in a study that couples who attended his two-day workshop targeted for new parents did remarkably better in their marriages than couples who had not. Just two days of education helped most of these parents avoid the precipitous decline in marital quality others had experienced—and prevented the intergenerational damage that would have been left in its wake!

As someone who has worked on the frontlines of marriage education for the past two decades, one of the great surprises for me has been how the simplest advice can have a profound impact on a relationship. Here are three simple tips that should be at the heart of any marriage program targeted at parents:

1. Teach new parents to develop daily habits of connection.

One husband called me to tell me his wife had thrown a frying pan at him. They had three young children, and he didn’t want a divorce, but he didn’t know where he had gone wrong. He was hard-working, faithful, and didn’t even drink. He thought his wife had gone crazy.

I told him she wasn’t crazy; she was tired. Women are far more likely than men to respond to the cry of a baby in the middle of the night. Ask your wife “what’s for dinner?” one too many times without noticing how tired she is, and you just might get a frying pan thrown at you.

I am convinced that one of the biggest problems in marriage is that spouses don’t take the time to slow down and look at each other. It’s a particular problem for new parents who are busier than ever and struggle with exhaustion.

Yet the antidote is simple. Dr. Gottman found that couples who connect for two minutes in the morning feel closer and are more positive about their marriage all day long.

Inspired by this research, my wife and I embraced a simple morning ritual: I ask her to sit on my lap after we finish our morning cup of coffee, and we talk about our day. This ritual saved our marriage after we had a baby. I noticed the days when my wife was tired and made a note to thank her more often throughout the day—and offered to take care of dinner when I got home.

Two minutes connecting with my wife in the morning made me a better husband, and father, all day long. We can teach new parents to do this. It’s simple advice.

2. Teach new parents to schedule conversations—and be constructive when they talk.

Reseaerch by Dr. Gottman found that “in the year following the baby’s arrival, the frequency and intensity of relationship conflicts increases significantly.” More work and less sleep has a way of bringing out the worst in us.

I hear from new parents all the time who struggle with communication, like the mother who recently called me to complain, “I didn’t sign up for this marriage! My husband yells at me.”

Her husband is a good and gentle man—with a frustrating job and a long commute. I had to tell the wife, “I don’t want to defend your husband, but you are provoking his yelling.” After a long day of dealing with problems at work, the wife was dumping new problems on him the moment he walked in the door.

Talking at the wrong time is the single most common couple communication error. In fact, Dr. Gottman estimates that 91% of the time is the wrong time for couples to talk. Again, the antidote is simple: don’t force the conversation, schedule it.

I advised the wife to have a regular Saturday morning cup of coffee with her husband to discuss household issues—a frequent source of friction for new parents. And when you talk with him, don’t tell him he’s not helping enough—that’s negative—share the challenges and ask him how you can handle them together.

I’ve come to believe most couples are problem-focused when they talk. Scheduling conversations—and making a commitment to be constructive when you talk—allows couples to be solution-focused.

Couples can destroy their marriages by repeatedly talking at the wrong time and in the wrong way. This is a particular temptation for new parents who are often pressed for time and quick to anger. We will save many marriages—and families—if we can teach new parents the simple practice of scheduling conversations and being constructive when they talk.

3. Encourage new parents to maintain a shared (digital) calendar.

Chaos—“He forgot to bring the baby home!”—is a leading cause of marital strife, particuarly new parents. Worse is the failure to make time for connection and shared fun. Yet when I ask couples if they have a shared calendar, most tell me they do not.

When we had a baby, I was surprised to discover we could no longer make even the simplest of plans—like getting a haircut—without having to account for child care. Couples without a shared calendar open the door to daily frustrations, which can soon engulf a marriage. With a shared calendar, these frustrations can easily be avoided.

But what I hear most often from new parents is, “we spend no time together.” The popular marriage advice to have a date night can sound like a bad joke to a new mom who hasn’t had a good night of sleep in a month. But new parents need not despair—they need to be creative in making time for each other.

A husband called me to lament the lack of intimacy in his marriage. When I met with the couple for a late-night Zoom session, I told him his wife—clearly exhausted from caring for their baby—needed to go to sleep. But he worked from home. Could they make time for lunch dates? They could! It was a simple solution, but he hadn’t thought of it.

I urge my couples—new parents in particular—to think outside the box when they look at their calendars. Why force a Friday night date night when you know you’ll both be tired, when you could instead go Saturday morning?

It often takes me only minutes to teach a couple how to set up a system of shared calendars that syncs across all their devices. Couples also enjoy the shared vision exercise I give them to brainstorm about activities they’d like to add to their calendars.

Having a happy marriage is not rocket science. These are a just three simple practices that are eminently teachable and would make a huge difference in the lives of young families.

We need to find new ways to get this practical advice to time-starved parents. And we need a sense of urgency. Too many young families are suffering. We can do something about it.

Peter McFadden, a New York-based marriage coach, blogs on marriage at MarriageFun101.com.