Fighting, Building, Fathering: Understanding How Boys Play

Trying to discern why boys act the way they do can seem like investigating where wind comes from and goes. But to the careful observer, the common tendencies of boys will show themselves for what they are. Or rather, boys themselves will reveal what has been at work in them all along, if and when—at last—they become fathers. Real fathers. 

How children play can be considered from two angles. On the one hand, general tendencies in their play can reveal much about human life in general, and more specifically about the differences between men and women. In other words, something of human nature becomes manifest in the play of children. 

On the other hand, how children play can be largely determined by the customs of family and broader culture, and from this angle, how they play both manifests and cultivates specific human commitments and valuations that are not necessarily ‘natural.’

Bearing this in mind, we should be careful how we analyze their play, as well as how we encourage them to play, or not. I begin here by taking as a given that boys naturally, among other things, tend to fight and to build in their play. That it is natural implies there is reason, and good reason, for such tendencies. It does not imply that all fighting or building is good and to be encouraged. On the contrary, we can look to discover the deeper reason for these tendencies, and therein likewise the principles both to understand and to direct them.

Fighting and building can, of course, be opposed to one another, since fighting is often a destructive rather than constructive force. Yet a closer analysis reveals that they need not be opposed, and that, in fact, they can be integrated aspects of one project. A consideration of fighting and building, both as isolated realities and in relation to each other, immediately raises a larger issue, one in fact at the center of life. What is a truly good human life and how is it forged? How is it defended?

Heady questions indeed. But they are precisely—at least when not undermined or set aside—what the play of boys can bring to the fore. Boys see this themselves. They distinguish ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys,’ ‘fair’ and ‘unfair,’ and what is ‘right’ or ‘allowed’ or not. Further, in certain instances, boys can find in fighting or building a sense of satisfaction and completion, as in doing something that is truly theirs to do.

And here fatherhood can come into greater focus and, in turn, give focus and clarity. True fatherhood is generating, in a masculine mode, human life in all its richness and goodness. The most obvious instance of fatherhood—biological fatherhood—implies an immediate call, indeed an obligation, to complete this first fathering by further ‘fathering,’ or by joining the work of raising the child. Probably more than anything else in a man’s life, fathering of children requires him to make concrete judgments regarding the human good. The issues and demands of forming young persons can only be reasonably addressed in view of a conception of what makes for a truly good human life. 

We might say that in fathering, more than in any other natural role, a man must reckon with who he is, and who he wants to become, as he considers who he wants his children to become. And this stands to reason. Being a father—which again implies an ongoing and organic reality, which can take different forms—is the natural fulfillment of being a male human person. 

In addressing the more vexing, even outrageous, manifestations of boy-ness, we can make an interior shift from "what in the world is wrong with this child?" to "how can I discover something natural at work here?"

As surely as fatherhood calls a particular man to discover more deeply the meaning of life, it likewise gives the key vantage from which to understand how and why boys are different from girls, and men from women.

Every tendency in boys that is genuinely natural or characteristic of them precisely as boys is grounded in, ordered to, and explained by that complex reality called fatherhood. As the wise have always noted: nature does nothing in vain. Put otherwise, there is always a reason for what is of nature. And it’s a good reason, even if that is not readily apparent.

And it’s a good reason, we should note, even when what nature intended does not come to fruition. That ‘nature does nothing in vain’ does not imply that natural inclinations are always fulfilled. Far from it, as life experience makes clear. ‘Nothing in vain’ points to the soundness of the natural ordering itself, not a surety of ultimate success. It is not in vain that humans have a liver, though my lifestyle might undermine in me that natural ordination.

I return to where I started. The natural tendencies of boys—and these can be especially apparent in their play—reveal something of fatherhood, because fatherhood in some form is the reason and fulfillment of being male. 

The implication here is certainly not that we should let boys run wild, and simply ‘do their thing’ at play. Rather, I suggest two upshots for parents, grandparents, educators, etc.—both of which resonate with my own experience as a father of two boys. First, in addressing some of the more vexing, even outrageous, manifestations of boy-ness, we can make an interior shift from "what in the world is wrong with this child?" to "how can I discover something natural at work here?" This shift could have dramatic fruits in yielding constructive engagements and improved relationships.

Second, as a general approach to the formation of boys, we can take fatherhood, its nature, and its demands as the guiding principles. And we can ask: "What does it take to be a good father?" and then, "How do we cultivate this in boys?" This connects nicely with the first point. Nature is on our side in the inclinations bubbling up in boys. But we must do our part, by drawing out, refining, redirecting, or weeding out—all in view of cultivating in our sons the ability to build a good life and to become good fathers.

John A. Cuddeback, Ph.D. is professor of Philosophy at Christendom College. His writing and lectures focus on ethics, friendship, and household. His blog, Life Craft, is dedicated to the philosophy of household. For more on this topic, watch Professor Cuddeback discuss boys, play, and fatherhood in this helpful, short video.