Marry Early and Flourish Together

During my junior year at Stanford, I remember an assignment where we filled out a five-year plan with a professional and personal goal for each year. I planned to marry my then-fiancée that year, so my personal goals were straightforward: have a wedding and start having kids over the following years. I knew my situation in life relative to my classmates was unusual, but I didn’t realize how different my approach was until I shared my plan in a small group setting.

Out of the four or five students, only one other person mentioned anything related to dating or relationships, and that was to “start thinking about dating” four years out of college. They all described getting married as an objective for later and were surprised I would consider marrying so young. Shouldn’t I establish myself financially or professionally first, then seek a spouse? 

In sociological research, this perspective is known as the “capstone” conception of marriage. Adherents see marriage as a culminating achievement sought after some time exploring sexually, establishing a financial base, and maturing. As the median age at which Americans get married for the first time has crept steadily upwards for the last 40 years—to almost 29 for women and just over 30 for men—this perspective has become the de facto norm. 

While this seems like a reasonable approach, it comes with two major risks. First, it assumes that one can successfully get “established” before getting married. With soaring home prices, record student debt, persistent inflation, and a competitive job market, obtaining the independence or financial stability thought “necessary” may be perpetually out of reach for many individuals, particularly among the working class. Secondly, waiting until an indefinite later can force one’s hand when biological and social deadlines converge in the early 30s. One woman, interviewed by clinical psychologist Meg Jay for her book, The Defining Decade, described this convergence as “musical chairs”:

Dating for me in my twenties was like this musical-chairs thing. Everybody was running around and having fun. Then I hit thirty and it was like the music stopped and everybody started sitting down. I didn’t want to be the only one left without a chair. Sometimes I think I married my husband just because he was the closest chair to me at thirty…. What I really wish I’d done is thought more about marriage sooner. Like when I was in my twenties. 

This scramble for seats can be mitigated by deliberately planning backwards and examining an alternative model of marriage called “cornerstone” marriage. In this model, marriage is less an achievement and more a foundation for life. Instead of merging two settled individuals, it emphasizes the intertwining of two budding people—generally between the ages of 20 and 25—who can traverse their formative years together. 

I believe that many young Americans who wish to one day marry do not fully examine the merits of the “cornerstone” framework because they suspect marrying earlier is linked to worse outcomes. This suspicion is correct, but only for teen marriages (18 and 19-year-olds), who have higher risks of dissatisfaction and divorce. Research from the National Marriage Project at UVA demonstrates that there is no significant difference in reported marital satisfaction or divorce rates between earlier marriages (between the ages of 20 and 24) and later marriages (after 25). In fact, there appear to be optimal outcomes in sex, finances, and psychology for those who marry earlier.

For example, one study found that men and women who married earlier reported significantly higher rates of sexual satisfaction than those who married at any other age. This finding directly conflicts with contemporary perspectives on sex: men are told by the “manosphere” that marriage is a trap and that they should maximize the number of sexual partners while minimizing emotional attachment. Women are encouraged to reap the rewards of decades of feminist progress and experience all they can, including meaningless sex.

It’s possible that those who marry earlier are more sexually satisfied precisely because they opt out of this contemporary hookup culture. Several studies have shown that having more premarital sex partners is linked to “worse communication, higher infidelity rates, and even lower sexual quality during marriage.” For those who value marriage, it seems reasonable that maximizing the number of sexual partners is probably harmful. Additionally, research has documented that sexual satisfaction can be significantly higher within committed relationships, especially for women. Overall, this suggests that the premarital sexual exploration commonplace today may actually undermine the sexual satisfaction many are seeking; satisfaction that an early marriage can provide. 

By seeking marriage earlier rather than postponing it indefinitely, you're creating the opportunity to dance through life's challenges and triumphs with someone who loves you, supports you, and helps you grow. 

There are also financial benefits to getting married in your 20s. One causal study found that merging bank accounts increases marital satisfaction: couples fight less about money and feel better about how finances are handled. For those who marry earlier, their finances will be modest at best, and the merging of bank accounts can be more straight-forward than the fortunes of mid-30 professionals. They can also co-create financial habits and expectations together, rather than having to merge established lifestyle and spending habits. Marriage is as much the merger of wallets as it is of hearts.

An early marriage offers an income boost as well. Married people of both genders tend to earn more than single people in similar age brackets, an observation called the “marriage premium.” Recent research hypothesizes it is driven by having a partner when looking for work. An unemployed spouse can hold out for a better job by leaning on their employed partner, while an employed spouse is incentivized to look for higher-paying work. I’ve personally seen these advantages: I sought and landed a higher paying job as soon as I got married, but I also took time off to explore entrepreneurial ventures through my wife’s income. An earlier marriage can quite literally accelerate your career.

Outside of work, life itself presents challenges which may be better weathered with a committed partner. Life is better with someone by your side who can share the expenses and chores, difficulties and challenges, and celebrations and wins. A dog or cat can only do so much. By marrying early, you gain a partner you can grow with, someone you can support who also supports you. The “affectionate wing” of a loving spouse can create the stability that allows both individuals to flourish.

While I didn’t have the words back then to articulate the benefits of getting married young to my class, I would today comment that considering marriage in your 20s isn't about limiting options or settling down prematurely. It's about intentionally incorporating a committed partner into your vision of a fulfilling life. By seeking marriage earlier rather than postponing it indefinitely, you're not just avoiding the frantic musical chairs of your 30s—you're creating the opportunity to dance through life's challenges and triumphs with someone who loves you, supports you, and helps you grow. 

Kasen Stephensen is an engineer and award-winning writer building products that solve real problems, including a dating platform leading to 10+ marriages. He writes on Substack.