Even in 2024, Women Are Still Looking for a Protective Man

Andrew, a divorced suburban dad I met on a dating app, had driven into the city to take me out for drinks.

“Are you hungry?” he asked as the rocks rattled in his glass with his last sip. “Would you like to have dinner?" he added. 

Offering dinner meant Andrew likely found me at least as attractive in person as he had my two-dimensional profile online. In other words, I passed the "drinks" test.

In turn, I was happy to have dinner with him. After all, Andrew acted like a gentleman: he was kind and complimentary and treated me generously. Moreover, when we went out into the winter chill after dinner, Andrew offered to drive me home, a treat for the common Manhattanite without a car, especially on a bitter cold night. 

And so, as Andrew’s car hummed outside my apartment building, and he leaned over for a kiss, I reciprocated. And when Andrew asked me for a second date, I accepted that advance as well. As I left the car, I thanked him again for treating me to such a lovely date and looked forward to the next.

But as I walked toward my apartment building, I heard Andrew’s car speed off behind me. I turned, and he was gone. Why couldn’t he wait 20 more seconds to see me get into my building safely? I thought, as I scrounged around my purse for my keys. It had been such a great date. Why had he skimped on the final detail? The one that meant the most to me? I wanted to feel like Andrew was protective over me—that he would keep me safe.

I found my keys but was losing interest in Andrew. 

When a man makes a woman feel protected, she sees it as a sign that she will likely feel safe with him in all aspects of the relationship, should it continue. Andrew was failing this test.

Feeling protected by a man is a pillar of a happy marriage, Brad Wilcox reports in his new book, Get Married: Why Americans Must Defy the Elites, Forge Strong Families, and Save Civilization.

He tells the story of Grace, a 26-year-old woman whose boyfriend stood between her and a mugger who approached them ominously while alone on a DC Metro train. The fact that her now-husband wanted to “protect [her] was huge,” Grace told Wilcox. It “solidified her interest and attraction to him,” helping put them on the road to marriage.

Of course, in this case, Grace and her husband were in real danger. I was entering my building alone at night which, as a single woman, is a quotidian habit. And that was just the point. On the rare occasion a date drives me home (Manhattan-folk rarely have cars), I have the rare opportunity to feel safe and protected as I walk toward my door late at night. 

A date who actually gets out of his car and walks me to the door? That can make me swoon. Reader, I once had to stop myself from blowing a kiss goodbye to the cab driver who waited for me to get inside my building after a late night of too much champagne on New Year’s Eve!

Protectiveness is a sign of masculinity, and whether or not progressive young women today will admit it, both masculinity in general—and protectiveness in particular—are very attractive in a mate—even in 2024. And it’s something Brad Wilcox says women appreciate in a husband. In the State of Our Unions survey, wives who gave their husbands’ top rating for “protectiveness” were more likely to be happy in their marriages and less likely to report that divorce might be in their future.

Women also were happier in marriages where they gave their husbands high marks for masculinity. Wilcox’s study found that 74% of wives who say they are “very happy” in their marriage, also rate their husband as “very masculine.” And nearly two-thirds (64%) of wives who say their husbands are very masculine also say that divorce is not at all likely.

Feeling physically protected is only one way a woman sees her husband as attractive, of course. An emotionally engaged husband ranks highly, too. Wilcox reports that 9-in-10 wives are very happy in their marriage when their husbands are very attentive toward them—even if they aren’t good providers! This kind of attentiveness—as well as protectiveness and masculinity—also translate into a very happy sex life, according to Wilcox’s research.

I was far from thinking about sex with Andrew when he texted a few days later to plan our second date. He said he’d be working from his office in the city and staying at his pied-à-terre. He asked me to dinner at his favorite restaurant, which just so happened to be across the street from his place and way across town from mine.

Against my own better judgement, and not wanting to come off as a princess, I acquiesced to take the bus across town to meet Andrew for dinner where he told me he was planning a European ski trip with his daughter over the holidays.

“I’d travel to the ends of the earth for my little princess,” he said. 

But not across town for me, I thought. 

Later, outside the restaurant, Andrew put his arm around me and brought me close to his chest, as if to protect me from the icy wind. He pointed up toward a set of windows across the street as he rubbed my arm.

“That’s my place,” he said. 

“And that’s my ride home!” I replied, as I hailed an approaching cab.

Andrew's generosity was attractive, but I would have found him more attractive had he been more protective and attentive to me. 

He didn't wait to see my taxi speed off before walking away with his head down. He knew he'd failed my "dessert test." 

Melanie Notkin is the author of OTHERHOOD: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness, and founder of SAVVY AUNTIE: A Celebration of Modern Aunthood.